Running at night...

Tonight I ran harder than I ever have. In the dark... I ran so hard, I was wheezing when I couldn't go any further (Luke said I scared a guy on his porch- I couldn't hear him asking if I was ok, Florence and The Machine was too loud). I can't remember the last time I ran in the dark and it was amazing. I didn't let my eyes adjust before I took off and I felt like I was cocooned in the brilliant darkness. I lacked my sense of sight- I allowed my legs to reach higher and feel each step carefully so I wouldn't trip on the uneven sidewalk. I felt the breeze on what skin was exposed and allowed the scent of the night to penetrate deep into my lungs and nose. I knew the route well enough to keep running- it was better than running at night, I was in a whole different world. Lost in my evening's thoughts, with the comfort and safety of Izzy and Luke riding along beside me.

I love how my lungs feel after a good, hard run. Longing for a deep breath, yet satisfied from the strength gained from the consistent short breaths.

As I sat on deck of Dreamer tonight, my thoughts were strong and apparent. I longed for the future and 'setting my sails'. I dreamt of re-living the past in a new, happier way. I dreamt of the day I could cast off and let the wind take me to new lands and experiences. These lovely thoughts are haunted by the what if's and the constant wonder of what would happen to the ones I love. Would they come with me on my great adventure? Would they let me go and be waiting for me when I came back? Or would that be it? Over, done... Lonely.  Sometimes I wonder if I was cut out to be alone. I don't see that as being a bad thing, in the sense that I wouldn't be lonely- Just living for myself and only myself.

Tonight, I was advised, if nothing else in my life, to never be lonely. I questioned this advice with wondering what is worse- being alone and feeling lonely? Or being with someone and feeling that same, sad loneliness. Life is uncertain and unfair. It was pretty much drilled into me as a kid, "You can't always get what you want".

I sat on the boat and listened to near-by halyards slap against the surrounding masts. It was music to my ears. Each with their own pitch and the wind howling through the harbor. It was quiet and serene. Just as it should be and left me deep in thought.

More often than not lately, I have been down on myself. Life has not been easy and I have chosen to blaze a difficult trail. Now more than ever, I am realizing I have made stupid mistakes. Poor choices and living a life I haven't earned. There, I said it, I HAVE BEEN LIVING A LIFE I HAVE NOT EARNED. If I intend to fill my sails with winds of adventure- which I have every intention of doing- I have to earn it.

I don't regret my difficult decisions; I am who I am because of them. I am a stronger woman. I know what I want and I will make it happen. I'm no longer going to talk about what I want to do in life, but rather what I'm going to do.

I am going to go to Wayne State in the fall.
I am going to finish my undergrad in Graphic Design.
I am going to become a writer.
I am going to sail the oceans and visit foreign lands with my Dad.
I am going to know true love.

You have to dream the dream and keep dreaming until you have earned it. The good things in life don't come easy- but when they do, oh sweet heaven, it will be blissful and beautiful. I am excited for the trials and tribulations of the future. It is sure to be bittersweet.

Busy day tomorrow-
Sweet dreams.