A Not So Harsh Reality and a Strange Place

My student loans are slightly outrageous.  Like unfathomable amounts of money.  That I have to pay back... When I look at the number I owe, I feel nothing.  It sits there looking back at me with all of it's round, perfect zeros saying "you'll be paying me your whole fricken life... sucker".  Still, I feel nothing towards this large number... I can imagine it would freak some people out, cause heart palpitations or worse.  It is a part of my reality that I am not going to let make or break me.  Sure it means always having some kind of job- making it difficult to be spontaneous and live adventurously.  In a way, I guess I feel like I have sold my soul to the devil- always paying and working for The Man- but I feel a strange sense of peace with the shitty reality that is now all my own.  It is what it is right? So why waste what precious available time I have worrying about it?  The money comes in, and the money goes out... Just like that.  If it comes and goes so fast, and if there is enough to cover what needs to be paid- then why are we so attached?  I have a small little savings- enough to fix a car problem or two.  What more do I need?  I have the bills and the basics (food, gas, medicines) covered, so really the only thing left to have money for would be fun stuff... well there is plenty of fun to be had without spending money.  My high school best friend and I used to have a list of "free fun".  An inventory of things that we could do when we had no cents to rub together.  Living life does not equal having lots of money to participate in lavish events and purchases.  There are plenty of experiences to be had without having to spend money.  And so what if it takes me several months to save enough (based on what is left over each month) to purchase a new pair of pants?  Those pants will be hard earned and I will have learned a valuable lesson in instant gratification- heck, I might even feel like i'm ten again and had to save months and months (sometimes even years) of those $2/week allowances to get that coveted something.  

So I guess the point here is that I'm not scared.  I'm not scared of the debt, or lack of money.  Money doesn't make life.  Life is made based on the experiences and the outlook we choose to have. I am excited to live in a simple way... see where it takes me.  I only hope my life get's simpler the older I get.  Less stuff- we think we need all this stuff, but we don't.

Something that does freak me out a little is this whole 'work everyday of my life for the rest of my life' thing....

I feel like I'm in a strange place right now.  With life... I am at this weird intersection of being an adult.  My sweet, loving grandmother brought it to my attention yesterday that I spent all of my college years working and going to school, just to get to this point of going to work... everyday, for the rest of my life.  And I know that it is the reality I face, don't get me wrong... But it really hit me as I was driving to work today.  The same drive I have been driving for nearly a year now.  Wake up, drive to work, work, drive home, go to bed.  Repeat.  5 days out of the week.  Am I happy?  Well yes, because I choose to be.  Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?  Probably not.  

It is strange going to bed a student and waking up a working adult- happens so fast.  The switch of reality- no time to adjust.  I miss school and learning and having that to break up life.  Always learning something new is exciting.  Different perspectives and ideas always surrounding you.  And the interaction with other students, people from all walks of life- I miss that more than anything.  Here I am, now sitting in the same chair, day after day, doing the mundane- seriously lacking excitement here.  I'm struggling to find experiences that will teach me new and exciting things- like I had while in school. 

I've picked up a book, called Creative Confidence.  It's for anyone, not just the "creative, artsy" type.  It's about learning to be creative in everything you do.  Even if you don't have the typical creative job.  It's cool, because you know what?  We are all creative- we were born with an inherent ability to think and act creatively.  I am hoping this book rekindles my creative spark and helps me to see things differently.  This mundane day to day life has really killed my inspiration and creativity.  Even though I work as a graphic designer, there isn't much room for creativity- I'm feeling burnt out. Hah, I've only been working for about  a year and I'm already feeling burnt out- NOT GOOD.  It is a lifeless feeling for me to not feel inspired or motivated to create things.

While I know that I want to be a designer for the rest of my life, I feel like I am still finding myself and figuring out my path in life... It's kind of like, ok got the career part figured out, so now what?  And not knowing is just as scary as not having a clue as to what career you want to have.  But I guess that is apart of life- You don't always have it all figured out right from the start!  I better start embracing the adventure!