That Hospital Feeling…

** This was written Thursday evening.  Unsure of what Friday would bring

Hi Friends, I'm glad to be here.  Logging in is like a breath of fresh air, getting these thoughts out.

Hospitals are necessary (and good).  But regardless of why you are there, there is always a nervous air about.  Whether it's passing a man who wears a nervous smile in the cafeteria (he's getting coffee and about to become a dad), or loved ones huddled together, faces damp.  Or maybe you're going for news… good news, bad news.  I can't help but feel uneasy every time I walk into a hospital.

I was in one today.  I tried to notice people and their demeanor, something to take my mind off of everything else.  And I attempted a half smile at people I made eye contact with.  There was a trend, exhaustion and nervousness.  You can know someone all your life, go to see them in a hospital and have no idea what to say.  I have this problem.  Don't get too close (for fear of bumping something or breaking something), don't pry (even though I would love to know what the heck is really going on), and heaven forbid I can remember anything at all to talk about that is normal and from the outside world.  Because all that really matters is your person, and the fact that they are in this place when it's not where they belong (except the maternity ward-I like to believe that's mostly a happy place).

I really struggled for a while going to hospitals and doctor's offices.  Anxiety, like the kind where the room closes in and you better put your head between your legs or you're going to end up on the floor.  I did ok tonight, though.

Hospitals are good places.  We are born in them usually.  But it's kind of crazy that so much of the life cycle can happen right under one roof.

I've never dealt with the loss of an immediate family member.  I've lost great aunts and uncles which was hard.  And too many young people i've known, have been taken too soon.  But I think I might be there now.  Staring someone I love's death right in the face.  Watching, as it takes a loved one's last breath.  About to go through it, because I can't let it stop me and I can't stop it.  I've always tried to have a "positive" (I don't know what else to call it, death is never positive) outlook on death.  To focus on the amazing memories and know they are no longer in pain or suffering.  It's an unfortunate fact of our existence.  We won't be here forever.  We will see new loved ones enter this precious life, and we will see others go to the next.  Nobody wants to see anyone suffer, but it can be tough when it all happens so fast.

I guess all you can do is hope for the best and try to face reality.