Church

I've been thinking about this post for a very long time. I haven't always been sure of my words or how I could relate this to anything.  But in way, it became relevant the other day- or at least gave me a way to express my thoughts.  There is no resolution to these feelings... and only relates to me, but I still wanted to share these thoughts...

I asked Luke if he felt a responsibility to find a church to attend and take our kids to one day.  He replied with a "no".  His explanation was that he didn't want to force anything on them, and wanted them to make that decision for themselves one day.  I asked, "but don't you want to lay some kind of foundation for them to make their own discoveries"?  His reply was that we would be the foundation.  I do agree and respect his opinion (they'd be his kids too), but I feel a sense of responsibility to my future children to show them something bigger than myself.  To give them something higher to believe in, something that I am so grateful to have had as a young person.

Our conversation brought me to finally writing this post and expressing my own feelings regarding church and the changes that I have met face to face, impacting the way I feel.  It has been a battle I have been dealing with in my heart for quite some time now.  I moved away to go to college 6 years ago and never found a new church community to participate in.  I always thought it would be easy to return to my old church, or that I would want to go back to visit on a regular basis (or when I could)- but that wasn't the case.  Leaving my childhood church seemed to leave me with somewhat of a sense of relief. In the years before I went to college things had changed a lot for me there.  Close friends drifted away, my parents got a divorce which led people to take sides, and that changed the way people looked at me.  It became strange for me- I felt as though people were judging me in the very place I shouldn't have to face any sort of judgement (except from Him) - all because of which parent I was sitting with that Sunday.  People were treating me differently. On the occasion I returned for a Sunday service, I was finding myself having certain feelings about being in the church, but I couldn't decipher their meanings.  It was hard, I could feel the tears well up every time the opening songs would begin.  Was it just being there?  Was it a feeling of closeness to God that I hadn't felt in awhile?  I used to sing a lot with the church youth band, and now I rarely share that gift with anyone- usually just myself, in the car, enclosed on all six sides... Maybe I was missing that act of service and sharing?  Or maybe these were feelings of pain and loss for how things used to be- the one place I thought I would be able to rely on forever was now ruined by "sides" and awkward glances. Friendships drift for many reasons, and I get that... but coincidence that everything fell apart at the same time?  Probably not... but it's hard to be on the broken end and see things from multiple angles.  In my current place in life, I'm not comfortable being in a church.  That is probably why I haven't tried very hard at finding a new one.  It is something I want, but I'm not ready yet... I always see nice ones in my area, and I will give them a shot someday, I'm sure.

I haven't, by any means, forgotten or given up on my relationship with God- I know he's still there.  I don't need a pointy roof over my head to have that relationship with him.  I will forever be grateful for the foundation that my parents and the church laid for me.  Because of that, I have been able to live and make my own choices and decisions- and not all of them have necessarily been "by the Book"- but they have been right for me, and I am proud of them.

I am hopeful that I might find it all again some day.  I know it won't be at the same place- and might not even be in the same form.

I told you there was no resolution to this- no epiphany or happy ending.  I've been battling the words to express how I have felt for a long time.  Perhaps this new sense of responsibility to my future kids and my continual trust in God will lead me to the right place... or maybe not.  I think I'd be fine with either.