I have been struggling lately. Feeling lots of anger and letting things get to me that normally wouldn't. Work has been difficult, but from all of it I am learning how to avoid difficulties in the future.
All this anger is not who I am. And I realize this... but it has taken some serious intellect and control to not freak the 'eff' out lately. I was driving home yesterday after a day of being jerked around by various projects/clients and dealing with insurance morons, eager to get to the climbing gym, and I got stuck behind the slowest person on the expressway. It sort of pushed me over the edge... like so much rage, all I wanted was to cause harm/scream... I know right? This is totally not who I am!!! So I told myself this and released all of the tension with a good, quick cry because that seemed way better than trying to break something and then having to clean up the mess.
I used to think tears were a sign of weakness, but they are a sign of strength. Tears are cleansing; a healthy release. It is difficult in what I do to find a balance between being a doormat and standing up for myself. But I'm tired of letting the petty mistakes of others effect me, because I can't control the way others choose to conduct themselves. Anyways, I have decided to let it all go and choose to be happy. I signed up for this, so suck it up buttercup.
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I have been climbing for almost a year now. It started as something for me to do on my own and get me out of the house- I was having relationship troubles. I needed to create my own entertainment, instead of waiting for others or sitting around feeling sorry for myself/lonely. I decided to try this on a whim because I didn't want to join a regular gym or any kind of sports team... I really hate competitive sports, and going to the gym is awkward. I called a friend and we gave it a shot. It began with a lesson to learn about safety and basic techniques... from there you are on your own. Climbing uses all over body strength and a lot of mental strength as well. You really have to trust your partner and rely on strength you didn't know you had. I think that is one of the things I like most about climbing- it's not about who is better or faster, it's about trusting yourself and your partner. It's not a race to the top. It requires thought and strategy. It is the most incredible feeling to walk away feeling powerful and accomplished. Running high from the adrenaline and release of built up stress.
Once you're at the top, you have to let go. Letting go is the hardest part. But there is a huge sense of relief in being lowered down... it means you have accomplished something and can allow those fatigued muscles to rest and recover for the next climb.
The gym I go to has Auto Belays. These are basically straps that wind up as you climb to the top and then let you down easy when you are done. You hook in and you're ready to go. No partner needed. They drop you pretty fast for the first couple of feet and then it catches and lets you down slower. It is scary letting go the first time- feeling like you are free falling. Even now, I still have to coax myself into letting go, even though I know it will catch me and everything will be fine. You just have to let go.
There comes a point in all phases of life -- short or long, that we have to let go and recover in order to make it to the top of the next chapter. Life really is a series of ups and downs. The lows can be just as fulfilling as the highs. It is simply how you approach them and what type of outlook you have.
So climb on my friends and enjoy the ride down.
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