** Written during my last few weeks of pregnancy. Posted postpartum**
I've been wanting to write about my experience with pregnancy up to this point, and have thought about doing multiple posts several times. I just never wrote down what I was experiencing at that time. And I kind of want to document all the way back to the beginning. Because the beginning is just as important as the nearing end.
Our journey started in January of 2018. We decided to "pull the goalie" and see what happens. Well nothing happened. I started tracking my cycle- and became down right obsessed when nothing was happening. I started doing research about what happens to the body when it's been on hormonal birth control for 8+ years and got my thyroid checked (I have managed a low functioning thyroid since I was 11) to see if there was any correlation. Well turns out, there totally is! The thyroid function is connected to pituitary gland function which is kind of like your control center for all other systems within the body- including the reproductive hormones/systems. It was never explained to me that being on birth control was basically a synthetic way of convincing your body it's pregnant so that you don't get pregnant. So once I went off the pill- everything was so confused and out of whack! And sure enough my thyroid medication needed to be adjusted- which takes so much time! So I spent a good 5-6 months trying to adjust the dosage with my doctor and waiting for my body to regulate and get used to being off birth control- during that time, she advised against getting pregnant because there was a greater chance of miscarriage if my thyroid was not normal. I also started trying a bajillion different supplements during that time to help things along and strengthen all of my systems. It's important to note that I was taking a natural form of the thyroid hormone (which I loved being on), but it's often a little more difficult to regulate- more about this later.
While working with my doctor, I also chose to go down a holistic route and began introducing Ayurvedic practices into my life. I received consultations and massages, auricular acupuncture, yoga nidra, gong meditations, changed my diet to balance Vata (which is my primary dosha), as well as continued to do yoga and work out. I was in the mindset that if I couldn't get pregnant right now, at least I could look and feel my best. My head was totally in the right place and I hadn't felt that good in a long time. By the beginning of June '18, my thyroid was finally in the normal range and there was nothing stopping us from trying to get pregnant.
Fast forward to July 28- 3 days late for aunt flo and I had peed on about a dozen sticks. We were pregnant (barely). At first I was worried that all systems had gone on the fritz again because I had been so regular and knew exactly when I would ovulate and my period was like clockwork. The month before, I had actually stopped all the tracking, deleted all the apps and decided to just let it go. It will happen when it happens. And sure enough...
So I called my OB/GYN and made an appointment to confirm the pregnancy- which seemed like a lifetime until that appointment because it was so early that I had a positive test. Looking back now- there are a lot of moments through out a pregnancy that seem like a lifetime. At this point I knew enough about my thyroid and it's effects on pregnancy and knew it needed to be check regularly. I made sure to include this in the information I gave when I made the appointment. So about a month came and went and we had our appointment. I had done enough research and advocated for myself enough to this point to know the red flags when I saw them. I had already had an idea in my head of how I wanted this pregnancy and birth to go. My OB/GYN at the time had been my doctor since I needed one, and was also the same doctor who delivered me 30 years ago 🤯. I had had relatively good experiences up until then, but nothing to compare it to. I was familiar with midwives and doulas. I knew I didn't want a home birth. Luke was pretty adamant on a hospital birth and convinced I would want drugs (He didn't know about any other options- other than what he has seen on TV or heard about from his mother/women in his life). And so began my quest to educate and open his eyes to other options.
But back to that first appointment with the OB/GYN.
We heard the heartbeat and it was so surreal. Both of us still in shock that it had happened so relatively fast (we realize now how damn fortunate we are to have gotten pregnant so quickly). It took us both some time to come around to the whole idea really. There were lots of times of denial and fear during the first few months of finding out. The doc ran us through the routine info (which wasn't that much honestly- IMO- another tactic to under-educating patients and scaring/forcing them into experiences they don't necessarily want, but ones that are most convenient for the doctor) and did all the blood work. He knew of my thyroid history, even though he wasn't the doctor managing it, and made it seem like it was no problem. We left the appointment with pictures of our tiny little babe and another appointment scheduled for down the road. Fast forward 1-2 weeks and I get a phone call about my blood work. {I hate this part} Based on the tone in his voice- he seemed surprised that my thyroid was again abnormal (which is common in the first trimester as the body gets used to all the new hormones and growing another human) and proceeded to yell over the phone at me that I needed to get off of the natural thyroid medication and start back on the synthetic thyroid medication. I pushed back because I knew that I felt much better on the natural medication. He then told me I must switch if I wanted my baby to live and be ok. Go ahead and pick your jaw up off the floor... I'll wait. I was completely shocked at what was just said to me and the tone it was said in. Who in their right mind yells at a pregnant lady and tells them they're going to harm their child if they don't do this or that (within reason)? And so that was all it took. I fired him- he was no longer going to oversee my or my unborn child's care.
It was the straw the broke the camels back- just what I needed to push me to find the right team to help me through this this pregnancy. I was already unsure of staying with this doctor because of how far the office was from home, and I didn't really feel comfortable with my hospital options (those were far too). And let's face it- he was old. Sure he had more than 30 years of experience- but that also meant he was probably stuck in his ways and his practices may have been outdated too.
Don't ever forget that you are in charge when it comes to your health and medical care. You pay them, they work for you. Do your research and advocate for yourself. You always have the final say in your care. I know it's intimidating and we put so much trust in doctors and the medical field- but it's so important to listen to your gut and have the experience that you want to have.
Finding a new doctor was a bit intimidating. I asked a few people who I knew had good experiences with their doctors, and it didn't make sense to deliver anywhere but at the hospital that is literally 5 minutes down the road. I had read enough books and articles that my interest was peaked about having a Midwife oversee my care. And Midwives are becoming much more mainstream (thank god). I knew the preferences and experience I wanted to have weren't going to line up with the care that I would receive from an OB/GYN. This all lead me to an amazing group of midwives, who I love dearly and am so excited for any one of them to deliver our little babe. And they only deliver at the hospital right near our house. Win, win.
My first appointment was a dream- I was literally on cloud nine when I left. I tend to have a little bit of white coat syndrome, but felt completely comfortable the entire time. She took the time to talk to me, and really educate me about the level of care I would receive and the way the practice worked. She even did another ultrasound to confirm the due date because she wasn't sure it was correctly calculated the first time. She was right- I was due about a week later than initially thought. I know this is because it wasn't discussed in more detail at my previous doctor and he just assumed I ovulated on day 14 like "everyone else" (which is a crock of shit- no two women are alike)- but I knew I tended to ovulate late and she listened to me. From there on out, I've been completely happy with my experience. They take complete care to make sure I don't have any questions, suggest natural remedies before all else, and the appointments are minimal/non-invasive. Pee in the cup, listen for the heartbeat, and measure the belly. Bye, see ya next time. In my first appointment I told the Midwife about my Thyroid and the issue with the the previous doctor. I had already switched medications at the point, but she assured me that if I had been with them from the beginning and wanted to stay on the natural medication, they would have been totally fine with it. I've stuck it out with the synthetic and done ok, but I am so looking forward to going back once this babe is born.
Luke was glad I was so geeked about the Midwives, but I could tell he still had his reservations about going the more natural/holistic route. I knew I was capable of a natural birth with little to no interventions. But you don't hear about these stories very often. You hear the horror stories, and most people know what they know about birth because of what they've seen on TV or in movies, or because of a less-than-ideal personal experience. Most of the people our age were born during a time where epidurals were norm (they still are for the most part), episiotomies were the norm, forceps and vacuums were norm, and unnecessary cesarians were performed regularly. I slowly started introducing fact based evidence and explaining to Luke the experience I wanted to have and the entrance into this world I wanted our baby to have. He slowly came around, but I could tell he still needed more convincing and that his confidence wasn't there to be able to be the advocate I needed him to be in the delivery room. Enter the Doula. Poor guy- I just kept throwing those curve balls at him. Luke is a total word-of-mouth believer. He needs proof from others who have gone before him that things are a good idea or investment. Luckily, he was able to find that support in a few people who couldn't say enough good things about their experience with their Doula. I did my research too, and knew of people who were so glad to have had that support during labor and birth. My Midwives provided me with a list and triple-starred their preferred picks. We set up interviews and made our decision. We actually knew who were were going to pick immediately after we met her, but in order to be diligent, decided to interview one more just to be sure.
If there is one more piece of advice I could give, it's to invest in your birth experience and surround yourself with the best team possible. Luke and I have an A+ team. I have an incredible support system in place in order to have the best experience possible. Think about all of the other life events that we spend thousands and thousands of dollars on (i.e. weddings, graduation parties, birthdays, homes, cars, etc.), yet we rarely prepare for a birth in the same way. Which is likely way more important than all of those 1-day events and material items. You are about to bring a human into this world- why wouldn't you spend the money to ensure the best possible experience and outcome?
I should also state that I believe that all birth is beautiful- as long as it's what you want and what you are comfortable with. I don't want to sound preachy about the birth I prefer to have, or that it's the best or only way. There are a lot of ways to safely bring a baby into this world. I am very aware of potential derailments and that is why these are only preferences. You can't plan birth. It's just not that predictable. I've also never done this before- so you just don't know. It's taken a lot of practice to stay openminded and relaxed.
I've been really fortunate that my overall experience with pregnancy has been fairly easy with no complications. I never had any morning sickness, only extreme fatigue (from my thyroid). Despite some of the bad days (we all have them- pregnant or not), I feel pretty good about the way I look.
I wrote the following on a not so good day. I want to make sure I share and remember all of the nitty gritty details of this pregnancy.
Written around the end of January '19
I'm not normally an insecure person. I've always been confident with my body and looks and if I wasn't I would fix it. And by fix it I mean- Work out or change my habits to look and feel better.
It's harder to do that when you're 29 weeks pregnant. I've been doing my best to walk and eat healthy. I haven't kept up with a workout routine or yoga, and it's probably starting to show. Not to mention i've allowed myself and convinced myself that all these sweet treats are A-OK...
I had a really tough weekend and did not feel good about myself or my ever-growing body. Everything is so tight and uncomfortable. Not to mention bigger. Everything is bigger.
I long for the days where I can just go for a run, or turn on a rigorous exercise program, and get my yoga practice back. I was getting so strong, and I feel like that's all gone now.
My sweet Luke does nothing but try to lift me up and tell me I'm beautiful. I wish I believed him. I wish I felt it too. But I just don't think I'm one of those people who loves being pregnant. Im very grateful that we are pregnant and we are so excited for our little girl. But I can't wait to feel "able" again. Not restricted.
I had a moment this morning where I realized I needed to thank my body for what it's doing. It's performing a miracle and growing another human. I know that everything I am experiencing is normal. The weight gain, the growing and loosening, the stretching.
We have about 10 weeks to go, and the closer we get (the bigger I get), the less strong I feel. I don't feel empowered. I'm just not in the right mindset and I don't know how to change it. I'm allowing myself to give in to the difficulties instead of powering through and doing what's necessary to find all of the power and energy I can.
I need to get back into my head and find the place that got me here. I took such good care of myself leading up to getting pregnant, and now I need to find my way back to that state in order to finish this journey strong. And also so I can be the best mom to our little girl. She's going to need a strong woman (that I know I am) to show her the way.
I'm going to break through these barriers I've created and get myself back in the right frame of mind.
Sometimes it just helps to write these things out, ya know?
I can't wait to introduce her to you, and write about her story and entrance into the world.
