When I was a kid, I remember going to a wave pool. I nearly drown. I was perfectly happy and content with my feet planted on the bottom of the pool, swimming around. And then the dreaded buzzer goes off and waves start building. One after another, making it so I couldn't touch or catch a break. I remember going under and having a hard time staying on the surface. The waves just kept coming. It seemed like they would never stop. Finally they did and that was the last time I went in a wave pool.
Motherhood is kind of like a wave pool. I'm drowning in a pool of joy and fear and love and exhaustion. But I'm doing it- I'm still swimming.
I mom full time
I pump breastmilk full time
I work a job full time.
I know I'm not the first one to do all this, and I won't be the last.
And I suppose I should just suck it up.
I used to get stressed about things when it seemed like there was an overwhelming amount to do. I love lists and those always seemed to help. Also, the tasks were never as daunting or time-consuming as I made them seem in my head once they were finished. So I would always come out of it feeling good and accomplished. Ready to move on to the next thing, or grab a break.
Not anymore. I may make it out of the chaos each day, barely hanging on, but there is no break or relief. The next day (or even hour sometimes) brings about the same chaos as the day before.
It's a wave pool of pumping, washing parts and bottles, feeding and keeping the babe happy, trying to keep the house together, going to work, trying to feed myself and stay presentable, giving my husband much deserved attention, and caring for the dog. And the million other little things in between that all need to get done. And I don't go it alone- my amazing husband is always lending a hand and working along side me to keep life moving forward. But I don't think he has the same laundry list in his head that I reel through every single day. It's this perpetual list that goes round and round and never stops.
There are days where I think about what I can stop doing to find some relief, and there's nothing. It all needs to be done everyday, multiple times a day. Yea, I could stop pumping and that would free up some time- but what good does that do? It would be selfish of me to stop for any reason other than drying up naturally or her being completely on solids. And maybe it wouldn't- I know some of you will say it's not selfish. But I can't stop telling myself it is.
Don't get me wrong- I love being this girls mom. It's the greatest job of my life and she is best thing that I've ever made. I just long for the day where she can feed herself and wash a dish or two.
Parenthood is so temporary. Right from the very start- the second that little baby is created, each moment is temporary. And I keep reminding myself of this. This chaos won't last forever. It will change and she will grow. Some thing will go back to how they were, and some will change in new ways and create new challenges.
I suppose all of life is temporary. But sometimes we spend so much of our life doing the exact same things, with the freedom to do new things as we'd like, that we don't see it as temporary. We become comfortable with life and ease.
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