Tears. You can feel them build in your throat and move upwards. They get to the back of your eyes, and slowly creep around to the front. But then, sometimes, they just rest there... unsure of their next move. Balancing on the edge of your eye lids and then your lashes. The relief of them gliding down your cheek- even if it's just a few. A pressure so strong if forced back in- but sometimes it is necessary.
I had a dream the other night that I was running from home to the Mackinaw bridge- that is far, I have a hard time making past 2 miles.... But I was meeting all these interesting people and I was getting close. In the dream it wasn't about the miles though, because people kept telling me I had only gone a short distance but that I was almost there, and I knew I was almost there because the route I was taking was lucid. I knew where I was and where I needed to be. Unfortunately, my alarm woke me up as I got near Traverse City, so I don't know if I ever made it.
I would have made it- I'm going to make it. This dream wasn't about following my dreams- I think it was more about making choices to keep going- but to keep going for ME. Make the changes to allow myself to keep going and to then go after my dreams and what I deserve. It was all about choices. I could have chosen to stop or walk, but I kept running when it was hard- and the people encouraged me to keep going. You never get stronger if you give up or take the easy way out, the comfortable way...
I've made my decision. To keep going...
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Church
I've been thinking about this post for a very long time. I haven't always been sure of my words or how I could relate this to anything. But in way, it became relevant the other day- or at least gave me a way to express my thoughts. There is no resolution to these feelings... and only relates to me, but I still wanted to share these thoughts...
I asked Luke if he felt a responsibility to find a church to attend and take our kids to one day. He replied with a "no". His explanation was that he didn't want to force anything on them, and wanted them to make that decision for themselves one day. I asked, "but don't you want to lay some kind of foundation for them to make their own discoveries"? His reply was that we would be the foundation. I do agree and respect his opinion (they'd be his kids too), but I feel a sense of responsibility to my future children to show them something bigger than myself. To give them something higher to believe in, something that I am so grateful to have had as a young person.
Our conversation brought me to finally writing this post and expressing my own feelings regarding church and the changes that I have met face to face, impacting the way I feel. It has been a battle I have been dealing with in my heart for quite some time now. I moved away to go to college 6 years ago and never found a new church community to participate in. I always thought it would be easy to return to my old church, or that I would want to go back to visit on a regular basis (or when I could)- but that wasn't the case. Leaving my childhood church seemed to leave me with somewhat of a sense of relief. In the years before I went to college things had changed a lot for me there. Close friends drifted away, my parents got a divorce which led people to take sides, and that changed the way people looked at me. It became strange for me- I felt as though people were judging me in the very place I shouldn't have to face any sort of judgement (except from Him) - all because of which parent I was sitting with that Sunday. People were treating me differently. On the occasion I returned for a Sunday service, I was finding myself having certain feelings about being in the church, but I couldn't decipher their meanings. It was hard, I could feel the tears well up every time the opening songs would begin. Was it just being there? Was it a feeling of closeness to God that I hadn't felt in awhile? I used to sing a lot with the church youth band, and now I rarely share that gift with anyone- usually just myself, in the car, enclosed on all six sides... Maybe I was missing that act of service and sharing? Or maybe these were feelings of pain and loss for how things used to be- the one place I thought I would be able to rely on forever was now ruined by "sides" and awkward glances. Friendships drift for many reasons, and I get that... but coincidence that everything fell apart at the same time? Probably not... but it's hard to be on the broken end and see things from multiple angles. In my current place in life, I'm not comfortable being in a church. That is probably why I haven't tried very hard at finding a new one. It is something I want, but I'm not ready yet... I always see nice ones in my area, and I will give them a shot someday, I'm sure.
I haven't, by any means, forgotten or given up on my relationship with God- I know he's still there. I don't need a pointy roof over my head to have that relationship with him. I will forever be grateful for the foundation that my parents and the church laid for me. Because of that, I have been able to live and make my own choices and decisions- and not all of them have necessarily been "by the Book"- but they have been right for me, and I am proud of them.
I am hopeful that I might find it all again some day. I know it won't be at the same place- and might not even be in the same form.
I told you there was no resolution to this- no epiphany or happy ending. I've been battling the words to express how I have felt for a long time. Perhaps this new sense of responsibility to my future kids and my continual trust in God will lead me to the right place... or maybe not. I think I'd be fine with either.
I asked Luke if he felt a responsibility to find a church to attend and take our kids to one day. He replied with a "no". His explanation was that he didn't want to force anything on them, and wanted them to make that decision for themselves one day. I asked, "but don't you want to lay some kind of foundation for them to make their own discoveries"? His reply was that we would be the foundation. I do agree and respect his opinion (they'd be his kids too), but I feel a sense of responsibility to my future children to show them something bigger than myself. To give them something higher to believe in, something that I am so grateful to have had as a young person.
Our conversation brought me to finally writing this post and expressing my own feelings regarding church and the changes that I have met face to face, impacting the way I feel. It has been a battle I have been dealing with in my heart for quite some time now. I moved away to go to college 6 years ago and never found a new church community to participate in. I always thought it would be easy to return to my old church, or that I would want to go back to visit on a regular basis (or when I could)- but that wasn't the case. Leaving my childhood church seemed to leave me with somewhat of a sense of relief. In the years before I went to college things had changed a lot for me there. Close friends drifted away, my parents got a divorce which led people to take sides, and that changed the way people looked at me. It became strange for me- I felt as though people were judging me in the very place I shouldn't have to face any sort of judgement (except from Him) - all because of which parent I was sitting with that Sunday. People were treating me differently. On the occasion I returned for a Sunday service, I was finding myself having certain feelings about being in the church, but I couldn't decipher their meanings. It was hard, I could feel the tears well up every time the opening songs would begin. Was it just being there? Was it a feeling of closeness to God that I hadn't felt in awhile? I used to sing a lot with the church youth band, and now I rarely share that gift with anyone- usually just myself, in the car, enclosed on all six sides... Maybe I was missing that act of service and sharing? Or maybe these were feelings of pain and loss for how things used to be- the one place I thought I would be able to rely on forever was now ruined by "sides" and awkward glances. Friendships drift for many reasons, and I get that... but coincidence that everything fell apart at the same time? Probably not... but it's hard to be on the broken end and see things from multiple angles. In my current place in life, I'm not comfortable being in a church. That is probably why I haven't tried very hard at finding a new one. It is something I want, but I'm not ready yet... I always see nice ones in my area, and I will give them a shot someday, I'm sure.
I haven't, by any means, forgotten or given up on my relationship with God- I know he's still there. I don't need a pointy roof over my head to have that relationship with him. I will forever be grateful for the foundation that my parents and the church laid for me. Because of that, I have been able to live and make my own choices and decisions- and not all of them have necessarily been "by the Book"- but they have been right for me, and I am proud of them.
I am hopeful that I might find it all again some day. I know it won't be at the same place- and might not even be in the same form.
I told you there was no resolution to this- no epiphany or happy ending. I've been battling the words to express how I have felt for a long time. Perhaps this new sense of responsibility to my future kids and my continual trust in God will lead me to the right place... or maybe not. I think I'd be fine with either.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Puppy-palooza
I'm not even sure where to start. Actually, this is the second time I've tried to start...
I was going to go with something about chaos, but I think I will just go with something light hearted
We pup-sat for 3 dogs last weekend. So that made 4. 4 dogs and 2 humans- we were outnumbered and out of space. It was pure chaos. Izzy, Maddie, Wrigley, and Sadie. Sadie is the oldest, so she didn't do much other than snore. But little Wrigley- the youngest- had just had his balls chopped off. Now the thinking behind such a procedure is obviously to prevent unwanted pregnancy and to calm him down. I swear they added and didn't subtract. This dog has no shame- he was just as crazy (if not crazier) than before! And to add to the craziness, he was wearing a cone. I have large, circular bruise outlines on the backs of my legs (haha). We survived and everyone made it out alive- it's a good thing they are all cute and full of love :). There certainly were hilarious moments and plenty of doggy breath to go around, but there were a few shitty (literally- from my own dog of course) moments too.
At one point, late into the night- or early in the morning, Izzy began to whine and cry and was jumping all over the bed. I figured she had heard something outside and wanted to go after it... sorry dog, it's Sunday and before 9am. Not happening. Luke so kindly shut the bedroom door to lock the dogs out. Well...Sadie is old, as I mentioned before, and she snores A LOT. She's like the old person that sits in a chair and is out cold in a matter of minutes. So, Luke and I are laying there, now wide awake, and we hear this soft snoring sound from the other side of the bed. We forgot one. We both were laughing, early morning daze accentuated by long days of watching dogs just go, go, go (it can be quite tiring).
None the less, we weren't laughing in the morning. I woke up to shit... every where. There was no animal in the night, but an upset stomach which belonged to a pup merely trying to do the right thing- and we ignored her.
So I guess we learned our lesson. Sadie is here on an extended stay (the rest went home), so I attempted to take both dogs for a walk tonight. It was very unbalanced, one tugging forward and the other lagging behind. I couldn't help but laugh and be grossed out by the full poo-bag that happily bounced along, dangling from my hand, hitting my wrist occasionally- at least some'thing' was having a good time.
Anyway, that's been our excitement around here. Along with full-time employment!! Woohoo! I'm still trying to figure out how to balance everything, so excuse me while I do. Once I figure all that out, I will be back (unless something really funny happens before then!).
As always, thanks for reading!
I was going to go with something about chaos, but I think I will just go with something light hearted
We pup-sat for 3 dogs last weekend. So that made 4. 4 dogs and 2 humans- we were outnumbered and out of space. It was pure chaos. Izzy, Maddie, Wrigley, and Sadie. Sadie is the oldest, so she didn't do much other than snore. But little Wrigley- the youngest- had just had his balls chopped off. Now the thinking behind such a procedure is obviously to prevent unwanted pregnancy and to calm him down. I swear they added and didn't subtract. This dog has no shame- he was just as crazy (if not crazier) than before! And to add to the craziness, he was wearing a cone. I have large, circular bruise outlines on the backs of my legs (haha). We survived and everyone made it out alive- it's a good thing they are all cute and full of love :). There certainly were hilarious moments and plenty of doggy breath to go around, but there were a few shitty (literally- from my own dog of course) moments too.
At one point, late into the night- or early in the morning, Izzy began to whine and cry and was jumping all over the bed. I figured she had heard something outside and wanted to go after it... sorry dog, it's Sunday and before 9am. Not happening. Luke so kindly shut the bedroom door to lock the dogs out. Well...Sadie is old, as I mentioned before, and she snores A LOT. She's like the old person that sits in a chair and is out cold in a matter of minutes. So, Luke and I are laying there, now wide awake, and we hear this soft snoring sound from the other side of the bed. We forgot one. We both were laughing, early morning daze accentuated by long days of watching dogs just go, go, go (it can be quite tiring).
None the less, we weren't laughing in the morning. I woke up to shit... every where. There was no animal in the night, but an upset stomach which belonged to a pup merely trying to do the right thing- and we ignored her.
So I guess we learned our lesson. Sadie is here on an extended stay (the rest went home), so I attempted to take both dogs for a walk tonight. It was very unbalanced, one tugging forward and the other lagging behind. I couldn't help but laugh and be grossed out by the full poo-bag that happily bounced along, dangling from my hand, hitting my wrist occasionally- at least some'thing' was having a good time.
Anyway, that's been our excitement around here. Along with full-time employment!! Woohoo! I'm still trying to figure out how to balance everything, so excuse me while I do. Once I figure all that out, I will be back (unless something really funny happens before then!).
As always, thanks for reading!
Lackluster
**I never posted this but I should have... must have forgotten amidst the chaos**
Sometime back in May-June....
I know I keep making promises for some cooler posts- and they will come... you have to understand...
Monday. Wake up at 6:30am. Drive downtown for class. Play with clay from 8:30-2:30. Drive home. Go to class in Farmington at 6pm. Try to learn until 8pm. Eat (maybe). Attempt homework- but usually crash into bed. Tuesday. Wake up at 6:20am. Get to work in Farmington by 8am. Work until 4pm. Fly home. Drive downtown for class. Talk about talking from 5:30-8pm. Drive home. Attempt home work again. Find food. Go to bed.
Wednesday and Thursday reflect Monday and Tuesday... Friday is legit- only have to work until noon.
Needless to say there is little room for Luster- The exciting, less dull aspects have been put on the back burner for now.
Sometime back in May-June....
I know I keep making promises for some cooler posts- and they will come... you have to understand...
Monday. Wake up at 6:30am. Drive downtown for class. Play with clay from 8:30-2:30. Drive home. Go to class in Farmington at 6pm. Try to learn until 8pm. Eat (maybe). Attempt homework- but usually crash into bed. Tuesday. Wake up at 6:20am. Get to work in Farmington by 8am. Work until 4pm. Fly home. Drive downtown for class. Talk about talking from 5:30-8pm. Drive home. Attempt home work again. Find food. Go to bed.
Wednesday and Thursday reflect Monday and Tuesday... Friday is legit- only have to work until noon.
Needless to say there is little room for Luster- The exciting, less dull aspects have been put on the back burner for now.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Well, well, well
I'm Sorry.
I've been gone too long from something I enjoy far too much. I'm hoping that is all about to change. This space is about to become a whole lot more!
I have plans for an exciting series of writings done in an unconventional way and uploaded here for your viewing. More to come on that....
I made a poor choice today. I was walking down Cass Ave, in Detroit into my last day of classes, for my last winter semester EVER. I noticed a wallet on the ground- I didn't pick it up. My thought process went like this (in the worst way):
Me: Oh someone else will pick it up (no shit someone else will pick it up- THIS IS DETROIT!), or maybe the owner will retrace his steps, and plus I don't have time to take it all the way to the police station right now and I don't see any cops around.
Really dumb moment and I'm not proud... In my hands it would have eventually made it to the police station even if it wasn't until later, and now might never be returned to it's owner and create annoyances for the poor soul who lost it- hindsight is 20/20.
My kindness and honesty fell short today. "I don't have enough time", stupid really. You have to make time. Carve out the time to do good for others and to do good things for yourself too.
So, I'm sorry- to you for not writing as often and to the poor man who dropped his wallet in Detroit for not picking it up. My life is changing in a big way, and I'm determined to create things for the good; in my everyday experiences and my creative work.
I don't know who reads this (besides family), but I am grateful that you do. I logged on today and noticed a spike in the ratings- like a big one. So thank you. Truly. I won't be gone so long ever again.
I'm hoping my next post will be the beginning of a series for you!
Toodles and peace ~
Ps- any comments on the new look? I did that around Christmas (with an idea to switch hosts) but now I'm not sure I'm feeling it- give me yo feedback!
I've been gone too long from something I enjoy far too much. I'm hoping that is all about to change. This space is about to become a whole lot more!
I have plans for an exciting series of writings done in an unconventional way and uploaded here for your viewing. More to come on that....
I made a poor choice today. I was walking down Cass Ave, in Detroit into my last day of classes, for my last winter semester EVER. I noticed a wallet on the ground- I didn't pick it up. My thought process went like this (in the worst way):
Me: Oh someone else will pick it up (no shit someone else will pick it up- THIS IS DETROIT!), or maybe the owner will retrace his steps, and plus I don't have time to take it all the way to the police station right now and I don't see any cops around.
Really dumb moment and I'm not proud... In my hands it would have eventually made it to the police station even if it wasn't until later, and now might never be returned to it's owner and create annoyances for the poor soul who lost it- hindsight is 20/20.
My kindness and honesty fell short today. "I don't have enough time", stupid really. You have to make time. Carve out the time to do good for others and to do good things for yourself too.
So, I'm sorry- to you for not writing as often and to the poor man who dropped his wallet in Detroit for not picking it up. My life is changing in a big way, and I'm determined to create things for the good; in my everyday experiences and my creative work.
I don't know who reads this (besides family), but I am grateful that you do. I logged on today and noticed a spike in the ratings- like a big one. So thank you. Truly. I won't be gone so long ever again.
I'm hoping my next post will be the beginning of a series for you!
Toodles and peace ~
Ps- any comments on the new look? I did that around Christmas (with an idea to switch hosts) but now I'm not sure I'm feeling it- give me yo feedback!
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