Inquiry

Written 10-1-2020 

I just hit send on an inquiry for therapy.

I woke up this morning tight-chested, and distracted.

I'm not generally an anxious person, but certainly not immune to anxiety.  I can recognize it and I know ways to try and stop it.

There are a lot of things happening in life right now, throw a pandemic on top and it's recipe for a perfect storm.  It's bound to explode.  I'm literally waiting for it all to just burst wide open.  For me to just burst wide open.

Our sweet Evie Mae has recently been diagnosed with autoimmune Juvenile Idiopathic Arthritis.  We noticed swelling and weakness of her left knee about 4 months ago.  After multiple appointments and tests to rule out other issues, this is where we are at.  We're fortunate that it is only one joint (so far) and that she is responding well to the medicines she has been on.  It's basically a waiting game now and is proving to be a long process to get things managed.

It's hard.  I can't say I've had a chance to process because I've been advocating and researching and doing what I need to do to get my girl the care she needs.

Post Lock-Down

Written 8-18-2020

There is so much on my mind regarding this post lock-down phase. It's hard to process how to move forward.

Like I can't even give energy to the days gone by.  March- June were haaaaaard.

But now i feel like we're faced with a whole new set of challenges and it's all same, same, but different.  I'm so socially out of it. My few encounters have left me with dread regarding stuff i've said- did that really just come out of my mouth? I don't know how to filter anymore. Like I haven't spent time really with many people outside of my household and my parents.  Luke and I haven't been on a date since like December, maybe?  I can't even remember.  

I got a sense of normalcy from a few events that I participated in last week and it felt so good. But last weeks bravery, aka outings, resulted in such high anxiety about possible exposure, I never want to leave my house again.  Anyone else relate?

I would give anything to take my daughter to the store with me, or take her to a restaurant. But I just can't risk it when she can't wear a mask.  I'm starting to worry that she isn't experiencing life in a normal way.  All we do is take her to daycare and go home.  Walks around the neighborhood and very few trips to grandparents.  Oh and doctors appointments (poor kid- that's for another time)

I might try to take her to the zoo, and try to enjoy.  I know she would love the animals. But the other half of my brain is all- is it worth it?  I just picture us spending our time fearfully avoiding and dodging people and not actually enjoying the animals or our time together.

ugh it's such a tough time.  I'm so over it.  I just want to be able to live my life without any level of fear.

And lets talk about the other major thing that has changed because of this pandemic... Work.  Are you still working from home?  Have you gone back to the office?

I've mainly returned to the office. However, I'm still trying to work from home here and there in order to not let that fade away.  However, people have to understand- things are not going to return to normal anytime soon.  Your need for instant answers?  Probably not going to happen any more.  People need time to answer your calls/emails, etc.

This pandemic/stay at home order has been such a shift for our go-go-go culture and mentality.  I truly believe it was natures way of slowing things down.  The constant need for gratification and answers and consuming was setting us on a course for disaster.  We can't and we shouldn't return to that way of life.  But there are so many people (people I work with) who still want an answer yesterday.  It's just not going to happen.  Especially with people working from home (with kids at home), the need to be careful with even the slightest sniffle or tickle.  I think people are going to be a lot more unavailable as we see the way this new life and way of doing things is going to unfold.  I think its a good thing.  I'm ok with not worrying so much about instantly getting things done.  Let's learn/teach some patience and consideration back into our world.  This has been a truly humanizing shift.

Postpartum- New Normal

Written 11-13-2019

Postpartum is no joke.  becoming a mother is not easy.  For centuries women have talked about how wonderful it is and how you will never know a love like this.  And that's true.  But let's be real- becoming a mother is the hardest and most life changing event you'll possibly ever go through as a woman (if you become a mom). I've heard so many times that the reason people don't talk about how hard it is, is because then people would never have babies. But we should talk about the hard stuff, the gross stuff, the great stuff, the sad stuff, the happy stuff.  I'm personally fascinated by the hush-hush side of pregnancy, labor, birth, and postpartum.  Like, give me all the gory details.  Because they aren't gory- they're beautiful and miraculous!

But the real point of this is more about the postpartum body and the pressure to return to a previous state.

I like to work out.  It feels good and i like to feel good.  Mentally, physically.  But my body is so different now after giving birth and making a human. My pregnancy was relatively easy and uncomplicated- aside from SPD which limited my exercise to minimal walking.  I gained about 40lbs and gave birth to a 9lb 5oz giant baby.  My body grew and grew and stretched and opened.  My hips will never be a size 4 again.  My skin is slowly shrinking back, but I don't expect it to ever be the same.  I have a nice layer of extra belly pudge that will maybe go away some day.

After I gave birth I was amazed at the way my body shrank and changed to a new normal.  The lbs shed quickly and before I knew it i was left with only 10lbs until i was back at my pre-pregnancy weight.  And i knew that would come off when i started working out again.  But I was in no hurry.  Sure, i miss working out, and doing yoga regularly. but I wasn't going to kill myself to start back up.  managing time with an infant, full time work, a house, a husband, and a dog is no easy task.  i still haven't found time to work in regular exercise, besides going for walks, and I'm 7 months postpartum.

However, here's the point-

I told myself when I was cleared for all activity at my 6 week check-up that it takes 9 months to make a human and I was going to give myself the grace of 9 months postpartum to not worry about "bouncing back" (which isn't even a thing).  It's more like grace to accept my new body.  Learn how it moves and responds now, and gradually re-introduce rigorous workouts. I knew I would be starting at square one, so i really was in no rush.  And i'm so much more interested in spending all my time with her right now.  She's changing at a rapid pace and i don't want to miss a thing.

Motherhood

Written 10-16-2019

When I was a kid, I remember going to a wave pool.  I nearly drown.  I was perfectly happy and content with my feet planted on the bottom of the pool, swimming around.  And then the dreaded buzzer goes off and waves start building.  One after another, making it so I couldn't touch or catch a break.  I remember going under and having a hard time staying on the surface.  The waves just kept coming.  It seemed like they would never stop.  Finally they did and that was the last time I went in a wave pool.

Motherhood is kind of like a wave pool. I'm drowning in a pool of joy and fear and love and exhaustion.  But I'm doing it- I'm still swimming.

I mom full time

I pump breastmilk full time

I work a job full time.

I know I'm not the first one to do all this, and I won't be the last.  

And I suppose I should just suck it up.

I used to get stressed about things when it seemed like there was an overwhelming amount to do.  I love lists and those always seemed to help.  Also, the tasks were never as daunting or time-consuming as I made them seem in my head once they were finished.  So I would always come out of it feeling good and accomplished.  Ready to move on to the next thing, or grab a break.

Not anymore.  I may make it out of the chaos each day, barely hanging on, but there is no break or relief.  The next day (or even hour sometimes) brings about the same chaos as the day before.

It's a wave pool of pumping, washing parts and bottles, feeding and keeping the babe happy, trying to keep the house together, going to work, trying to feed myself and stay presentable, giving my husband much deserved attention, and caring for the dog. And the million other little things in between that all need to get done.  And I don't go it alone- my amazing husband is always lending a hand and working along side me to keep life moving forward.  But I don't think he has the same laundry list in his head that I reel through every single day.  It's this perpetual list that goes round and round and never stops.

There are days where I think about what I can stop doing to find some relief, and there's nothing.  It all needs to be done everyday, multiple times a day. Yea, I could stop pumping and that would free up some time- but what good does that do?  It would be selfish of me to stop for any reason other than drying up naturally or her being completely on solids.  And maybe it wouldn't- I know some of you will say it's not selfish.  But I can't stop telling myself it is.

Don't get me wrong- I love being this girls mom.  It's the greatest job of my life and she is best thing that I've ever made.  I just long for the day where she can feed herself and wash a dish or two.

Parenthood is so temporary.  Right from the very start- the second that little baby is created, each moment is temporary.  And I keep reminding myself of this.  This chaos won't last forever.  It will change and she will grow.  Some thing will go back to how they were, and some will change in new ways and create new challenges.

I suppose all of life is temporary.  But sometimes we spend so much of our life doing the exact same things, with the freedom to do new things as we'd like, that we don't see it as temporary.  We become comfortable with life and ease.