A New Life- Evie's Birth Story

Go here to read about my pregnancy journey

I've been waiting until the right time to write our birth story- for the fog to lift and for the story to become clear again.  I knew I wanted to write it out, but have been soaking up just being a mom and taking her all in.  I think about this day so often.  It truly was the best day of my life.  The most incredible thing I have ever done.

So here it goes...

I stopped working a week before my due date.  It was increasingly hard to move and walk and breathe.  I was cranky.  Looking back on the photos before I went into labor- my belly was HUGE!

We had made it to the safe zone, she was allowed to come any day.  Our doula had returned from her vacation and was ready to go! I prayed everyday while she was gone that I wouldn't go into labor 😂

I had my final midwife appointment on Wednesday, April 10th.  Everything was going smoothly still, right on track.  I wasn't dilated or effaced any so I asked her to strip my membranes to hopefully get things going... that put me immediately at 3cm and 75% effaced.  I went home to rest and walk, and do all the things to get this show on the road.  I was so done and ready for her to be here.  For the next few days I felt pretty bad.  Tired and mild cramps.

Friday the 12th was our due date.  We were scheduled for a non-stress test and ultrasound at the hospital that morning.  One of the midwives saw me in triage after to check to see if there was any progress from Wednesday.  Nothing.  Most of the day came and went with nothing eventful... oh I should note the Thursday excitement...

Thursday our washing machine broke... go figure.  40 weeks pregnant, waddling through Home Depot picking out a new one.  Can't have a baby without a washing machine.  Never a dull moment.

Friday we went to bed really early, unsure of what the night would bring.  I woke up around 3:30am with some cramps.  I tried to time them to see if they were anything to note.  I still wasn't sure if what I was feeling was real labor or not, and wasn't quite sure when one contraction started and stopped.  By 4:30am we contacted our doula and decided to call the midwife.  We ended up going to the hospital around 6am.  They got me into triage and hooked up to monitors.  But after 2 hours of monitoring, things had stalled out and they sent me home.

The minute we pulled into the driveway something changed.  The contractions intensified and I felt pretty sick (totally normal). Our doula had gone home. It was just the two of us in foreign territory.  I tried to get in the shower, sat on the toilet, swayed my hips- anything for relief.  But it hurt.  Really bad.  I started to spiral and panic.  Luke called our doula and we all agreed we needed to go back.  I couldn't speak- only try to breath through it, so I knew this was active labor, but I also couldn't find the strength.  Fear snuck in and I started saying things like "I need drugs", "I can't do this".   My preferences were to do it drug free, in the natural birth center at the hospital.  This is what we had prepared for.

We got back to the hospital and thank god there was a wheel chair by the entrance (we didn't go in the main doors- we went up to the correct level of the parking structure and walked in lol).  Sweet Luke was carefully pushing me down the walkway where we met with our doula.  She is such an incredible woman.  An immediate calm washed over me and she helped me get to a place of peace where I could deal with the waves of labor. As Luke continued to slowly push me- she sweetly told him we needed to step it up 😂  Fortunately we were just in triage so it was a quick experience once we were back. I was moved to the birthing room in no time and went immediately into the warm tub (~10am) where I worked through contractions for the next two hours. It felt amazing to float and completely relax.

Let me just talk about our A+ team for a minute... We had our midwife- the sweetest woman in the world.  She was the first midwife I met with when I switched practices, and now here she was about to deliver our daughter.  Our nurse was amazing- we couldn't have had a better nurse to support us and monitor our girl as she worked her way into the world.  And our Doula.  I don't even know where to start- I can and will sing her praises until my dying day.  She supported us and taught us things that we wouldn't have had or known otherwise.  She helped us keep it together and we labored together, one minute at a time.  "You can do anything for a minute"

Oh, and the natural birth center at Beaumont Royal Oak?  TOP NOTCH.  It was like being in a luxury hotel 👌🏼

Labor was the most incredible experience.  I'm not sure what to call it, some may call it hypnotic, but I was able to get my head to a place of peace and strength.  I moved through each contraction with ease and surrendered to my body's natural ability to birth our daughter.  I was no longer scared.  I was surrounded by so much love and support and warmth.  I knew I could do it.  My eyes were closed most of the time and I took comfort knowing that the pain was productive and that there was an end.  Time went by really fast for me.  Luke was so amazing.  He was right there for me the entire time.  Gently touching me and allowing me to lean on him and squeeze his hand as things intensified.

The worst part was changing positions.  Which was necessary to help me finish dilating and effacing. Each change triggered a very strong contraction.  And let's face it- once you find comfort in a position and find your groove it's hard to leave that place.  I probably changed positions about 6-7 times around the room.  I remember asking to switch positions several times because where I was wasn't comfortable- I was always met with "let's do three more contractions here"... which usually turned to 5 or 6, much to my dismay.  But it worked.  By 2:30pm I was feeling ready to push.  In fact, my body had started pushing on its own- so we decided to focus all my energy there.  My water hadn't broken yet- they were waiting for it to happen with each push.  As soon as it did (and what a mess it made!), Our midwife said she could see so much hair!  I remember them all cooing over the top of her head and quietly chatting.  I kept my eyes closed and focused on getting her out.  I pushed for about 45 minutes and out she came!  I reached down and pulled her onto my chest and finally opened my eyes.  I did it.  No drugs.  I felt like superwoman. I still feel like superwoman when I think about it.  It was the most incredible high- I was on cloud 9.  Our sweet daughter, Evelyn Mae was born on Saturday, April 13th, at 3:14 in the afternoon.  Weighing in at 9lbs 5oz (!!) and 21.5 inches long.  She was born with her hand across her face on her cheek which is what stalled the labor early on.  But all the position changes fixed that and moved her down the birth canal.  Everyone was shocked at how big she was!  So perfect in every way.  We left the umbilical cord attached to her until all of the blood was in her body and it stopped pulsing.  I also asked to leave it attached to her until I birthed the placenta- which we got to check out and learn about from our Midwife once it was out.  So cool!  The "recovery" period is short with a natural birth.  I only had to stay in the bed for two hours afterwards to monitor my vitals and make sure the uterus was shrinking properly.  They did give me a shot of pitocin to get ahead of any excess bleeding- this was protocol for most of the midwives. Also protocol- the hep-lock IV- I couldn't wait to have that removed (they never had to use it).

We were so overcome with love and awe.  Our sweet Evie- the most amazing accomplishment of our lives.  She was so expressive and alert right from the start.  But so calm.

It's funny- you just kind of know what to do. You spend 9+ months wondering what it will be like once this little baby is here and worried about whether you will know what to do. Luke immediately took to being a dad.  He held her like he'd been doing it all his life.  Changed all the diapers, and fed her the formula.  We decided to introduce the breast and bottle right from the start- and we are so glad we did!  (I think I'll do a postpartum post too)  Our Doula left after a few hours (which flew by) and we were left to our own devices.  Thankfully, the next nurse was just as amazing as the first and supported us through the next 12 hours. We spent the next hours in a beautiful fog; tending to her every need and learning about her.

 We only stayed in the hospital for a little over 24 hours by the time we were discharged.  And that was plenty of time- we were so ready to go home. We survived our first night and spent Sunday going through the motions and taking care of all the paperwork and necessary tests.  We allowed our family to visit during the day to help pass the time (we weren't sure if we were going to allow visitors at the hospital. We wanted that time to be just the three of us- private and intimate).  So many emotions as we watched our family and my grandma meet her for the first time.

We finally got home around 8pm Sunday night.  Tracie was still at the hospital and gave us the sweetest send off (she took a million photos and made sure Evie was properly strapped into her carseat 🤷🏻‍♀️).

Once we were home we introduced her to Izzy right away.  Izzy gave her some sniffs and was very curious/excited.  It took her a few weeks to really get used to her.  She got a little nervous when visitors held her- even sometimes when Luke held her.  She would always try to jump up and check on her- but she doesn't do that anymore.  I think we immediately went to bed when we got home. The second night was hard- especially for Luke.  We were exhausted and the high was naturally wearing off.  She was fussy, trying to figure out life on the outside.  Breastfeeding was hard and we were worried she was hungry all the time as we waited for my milk to come in.  I needed sleep so I could heal.  We had her in our room in her bassinet, which kept us awake- she is a noisy sleeper!  So many grunts and wiggles lol

But I've never felt so in love and complete- the three of us. (and Izzy too)

I would do labor and birth over and over again.  I didn't love pregnancy and the first 4 weeks with a new baby is not a cake walk... But more on that in a later post.

Our lives are forever better.  Our Evie is the coolest tiny human in the entire world.

My Pregnancy Journey

** Written during my last few weeks of pregnancy.  Posted postpartum**

I've been wanting to write about my experience with pregnancy up to this point, and have thought about doing multiple posts several times.  I just never wrote down what I was experiencing at that time.  And I kind of want to document all the way back to the beginning.  Because the beginning is just as important as the nearing end.

Our journey started in January of 2018.  We decided to "pull the goalie" and see what happens.  Well nothing happened.  I started tracking my cycle- and became down right obsessed when nothing was happening.  I started doing research about what happens to the body when it's been on hormonal birth control for 8+ years and got my thyroid checked (I have managed a low functioning thyroid since I was 11) to see if there was any correlation.  Well turns out, there totally is!  The thyroid function is connected to pituitary gland function which is kind of like your control center for all other systems within the body- including the reproductive hormones/systems.  It was never explained to me that being on birth control was basically a synthetic way of convincing your body it's pregnant so that you don't get pregnant.  So once I went off the pill- everything was so confused and out of whack! And sure enough my thyroid medication needed to be adjusted- which takes so much time!  So I spent a good 5-6 months trying to adjust the dosage with my doctor and waiting for my body to regulate and get used to being off birth control- during that time, she advised against getting pregnant because there was a greater chance of miscarriage if my thyroid was not normal.  I also started trying a bajillion different supplements during that time to help things along and strengthen all of my systems.  It's important to note that I was taking a natural form of the thyroid hormone (which I loved being on), but it's often a little more difficult to regulate- more about this later.

While working with my doctor, I also chose to go down a holistic route and began introducing Ayurvedic practices into my life.  I received consultations and massages, auricular acupuncture, yoga nidra, gong meditations, changed my diet to balance Vata (which is my primary dosha), as well as continued to do yoga and work out.  I was in the mindset that if I couldn't get pregnant right now, at least I could look and feel my best.  My head was totally in the right place and I hadn't felt that good in a long time.  By the beginning of June '18, my thyroid was finally in the normal range and there was nothing stopping us from trying to get pregnant.

Fast forward to July 28- 3 days late for aunt flo and I had peed on about a dozen sticks.  We were pregnant (barely).  At first I was worried that all systems had gone on the fritz again because I had been so regular and knew exactly when I would ovulate and my period was like clockwork.  The month before, I had actually stopped all the tracking, deleted all the apps and decided to just let it go.  It will happen when it happens.  And sure enough...

So I called my OB/GYN and made an appointment to confirm the pregnancy- which seemed like a lifetime until that appointment because it was so early that I had a positive test.  Looking back now- there are a lot of moments through out a pregnancy that seem like a lifetime.  At this point I knew enough about my thyroid and it's effects on pregnancy and knew it needed to be check regularly.  I made sure to include this in the information I gave when I made the appointment.  So about a month came and went and we had our appointment.  I had done enough research and advocated for myself enough to this point to know the red flags when I saw them.  I had already had an idea in my head of how I wanted this pregnancy and birth to go.  My OB/GYN at the time had been my doctor since I needed one, and was also the same doctor who delivered me 30 years ago 🤯.  I had had relatively good experiences up until then, but nothing to compare it to.  I was familiar with midwives and doulas.  I knew I didn't want a home birth. Luke was pretty adamant on a hospital birth and convinced I would want drugs (He didn't know about any other options- other than what he has seen on TV or heard about from his mother/women in his life).  And so began my quest to educate and open his eyes to other options.

But back to that first appointment with the OB/GYN.

We heard the heartbeat and it was so surreal. Both of us still in shock that it had happened so relatively fast (we realize now how damn fortunate we are to have gotten pregnant so quickly).  It took us both some time to come around to the whole idea really.  There were lots of times of denial and fear during the first few months of finding out.  The doc ran us through the routine info (which wasn't that much honestly- IMO- another tactic to under-educating patients and scaring/forcing them into experiences they don't necessarily want, but ones that are most convenient for the doctor) and did all the blood work.  He knew of my thyroid history, even though he wasn't the doctor managing it, and made it seem like it was no problem.  We left the appointment with pictures of our tiny little babe and another appointment scheduled for down the road.  Fast forward 1-2 weeks and I get a phone call about my blood work.  {I hate this part}  Based on the tone in his voice- he seemed surprised that my thyroid was again abnormal (which is common in the first trimester as the body gets used to all the new hormones and growing another human) and proceeded to yell over the phone at me that I needed to get off of the natural thyroid medication and start back on the synthetic thyroid medication.  I pushed back because I knew that I felt much better on the natural medication.  He then told me I must switch if I wanted my baby to live and be ok.  Go ahead and pick your jaw up off the floor... I'll wait.  I was completely shocked at what was just said to me and the tone it was said in.  Who in their right mind yells at a pregnant lady and tells them they're going to harm their child if they don't do this or that (within reason)?  And so that was all it took.  I fired him- he was no longer going to oversee my or my unborn child's care.

It was the straw the broke the camels back- just what I needed to push me to find the right team to help me through this this pregnancy.  I was already unsure of staying with this doctor because of how far the office was from home, and I didn't really feel comfortable with my hospital options (those were far too).  And let's face it- he was old.  Sure he had more than 30 years of experience- but that also meant he was probably stuck in his ways and his practices may have been outdated too.

Don't ever forget that you are in charge when it comes to your health and medical care.  You pay them, they work for you.  Do your research and advocate for yourself.  You always have the final say in your care.  I know it's intimidating and we put so much trust in doctors and the medical field- but it's so important to listen to your gut and have the experience that you want to have.

Finding a new doctor was a bit intimidating.  I asked a few people who I knew had good experiences with their doctors, and it didn't make sense to deliver anywhere but at the hospital that is literally 5 minutes down the road.  I had read enough books and articles that my interest was peaked about having a Midwife oversee my care.  And Midwives are becoming much more mainstream (thank god).  I knew the preferences and experience I wanted to have weren't going to line up with the care that I would receive from an OB/GYN.  This all lead me to an amazing group of midwives, who I love dearly and am so excited for any one of them to deliver our little babe.  And they only deliver at the hospital right near our house.  Win, win.

My first appointment was a dream- I was literally on cloud nine when I left.  I tend to have a little bit of white coat syndrome, but felt completely comfortable the entire time.  She took the time to talk to me, and really educate me about the level of care I would receive and the way the practice worked.  She even did another ultrasound to confirm the due date because she wasn't sure it was correctly calculated the first time.  She was right- I was due about a week later than initially thought.  I know this is because it wasn't discussed in more detail at my previous doctor and he just assumed I ovulated on day 14 like "everyone else" (which is a crock of shit- no two women are alike)- but I knew I tended to ovulate late and she listened to me.  From there on out, I've been completely happy with my experience.  They take complete care to make sure I don't have any questions, suggest natural remedies before all else, and the appointments are minimal/non-invasive.  Pee in the cup, listen for the heartbeat, and measure the belly.  Bye, see ya next time.  In my first appointment I told the Midwife about my Thyroid and the issue with the the previous doctor.  I had already switched medications at the point, but she assured me that if I had been with them from the beginning and wanted to stay on the natural medication, they would have been totally fine with it.  I've stuck it out with the synthetic and done ok, but I am so looking forward to going back once this babe is born.

Luke was glad I was so geeked about the Midwives, but I could tell he still had his reservations about going the more natural/holistic route.  I knew I was capable of a natural birth with little to no interventions.  But you don't hear about these stories very often.  You hear the horror stories, and most people know what they know about birth because of what they've seen on TV or in movies, or because of a less-than-ideal personal experience.  Most of the people our age were born during a time where epidurals were norm (they still are for the most part), episiotomies were the norm, forceps and vacuums were norm, and unnecessary cesarians were performed regularly.  I slowly started introducing fact based evidence and explaining to Luke the experience I wanted to have and the entrance into this world I wanted our baby to have.  He slowly came around, but I could tell he still needed more convincing and that his confidence wasn't there to be able to be the advocate I needed him to be in the delivery room.  Enter the Doula.  Poor guy- I just kept throwing those curve balls at him.  Luke is a total word-of-mouth believer.  He needs proof from others who have gone before him that things are a good idea or investment.  Luckily, he was able to find that support in a few people who couldn't say enough good things about their experience with their Doula.  I did my research too, and knew of people who were so glad to have had that support during labor and birth.  My Midwives provided me with a list and triple-starred their preferred picks.  We set up interviews and made our decision.  We actually knew who were were going to pick immediately after we met her, but in order to be diligent, decided to interview one more just to be sure.

If there is one more piece of advice I could give, it's to invest in your birth experience and surround yourself with the best team possible.  Luke and I have an A+ team.  I have an incredible support system in place in order to have the best experience possible.  Think about all of the other life events that we spend thousands and thousands of dollars on (i.e. weddings, graduation parties, birthdays, homes, cars, etc.), yet we rarely prepare for a birth in the same way.  Which is likely way more important than all of those 1-day events and material items.  You are about to bring a human into this world- why wouldn't you spend the money to ensure the best possible experience and outcome?

I should also state that I believe that all birth is beautiful- as long as it's what you want and what you are comfortable with.  I don't want to sound preachy about the birth I prefer to have, or that it's the best or only way.  There are a lot of ways to safely bring a baby into this world.  I am very aware of potential derailments and that is why these are only preferences.  You can't plan birth.  It's just not that predictable.  I've also never done this before- so you just don't know. It's taken a lot of practice to stay openminded and relaxed.

I've been really fortunate that my overall experience with pregnancy has been fairly easy with no complications.  I never had any morning sickness, only extreme fatigue (from my thyroid).  Despite some of the bad days (we all have them- pregnant or not), I feel pretty good about the way I look.

I wrote the following on a not so good day.  I want to make sure I share and remember all of the nitty gritty details of this pregnancy.

Written around the end of January '19
I'm not normally an insecure person.  I've always been confident with my body and looks and if I wasn't I would fix it.  And by fix it I mean- Work out or change my habits to look and feel better.

It's harder to do that when you're 29 weeks pregnant.  I've been doing my best to walk and eat healthy.  I haven't kept up with a workout routine or yoga, and it's probably starting to show.  Not to mention i've allowed myself and convinced myself that all these sweet treats are A-OK...

I had a really tough weekend and did not feel good about myself or my ever-growing body.  Everything is so tight and uncomfortable. Not to mention bigger.  Everything is bigger.

I long for the days where I can just go for a run, or turn on a rigorous exercise program, and get my yoga practice back.  I was getting so strong, and I feel like that's all gone now.

My sweet Luke does nothing but try to lift me up and tell me I'm beautiful.  I wish I believed him.  I wish I felt it too.  But I just don't think I'm one of those people who loves being pregnant.  Im very grateful that we are pregnant and we are so excited for our little girl.  But I can't wait to feel "able" again.  Not restricted.

I had a moment this morning where I realized I needed to thank my body for what it's doing.  It's performing a miracle and growing another human.  I know that everything I am experiencing is normal.  The weight gain, the growing and loosening, the stretching.

We have about 10 weeks to go, and the closer we get (the bigger I get), the less strong I feel.  I don't feel empowered.  I'm just not in the right mindset and I don't know how to change it.  I'm allowing myself to give in to the difficulties instead of powering through and doing what's necessary to find all of the power and energy I can.

I need to get back into my head and find the place that got me here.  I took such good care of myself leading up to getting pregnant, and now I need to find my way back to that state in order to finish this journey strong.  And also so I can be the best mom to our little girl.  She's going to need a strong woman (that I know I am) to show her the way.

I'm going to break through these barriers I've created and get myself back in the right frame of mind.

Sometimes it just helps to write these things out, ya know?

I can't wait to introduce her to you, and write about her story and entrance into the world.

A Good Thing Gone Bad

The power of the mind is an incredible thing.  Have you ever made a decision or wanted something and become so fixated on it that it's all you think about?  Good decisions can become so destructive!  I have over-researched in order to be "well informed", I see it in other people ALL THE TIME now, and I've gotten to the point where I think I can control it- aka: force it to happen/become.

But I can't. (and I know this is a bit vague- but hear me out.  It applies to anything in life)

This "thing" I have decided on is so out of my control it's not even funny.  And the logical side of me knows that!  But I have gotten myself into such a destructive thought pattern, that I am ruining myself over searching for a way to force it to happen.  And by doing so, I know it will never be.

But it's so hard to let go, when it's something I've decided I want so badly.

I probably can't even answer why I want it.  It's just become an obsession...

As I worry about this thing I can't control, I'm missing out on my life.  I'm rushing so fast to get to this next thing by trying to control it, that I am truly missing out on what is so good right in front of me.

Every moment is precious.  It's hard to see it that way sometimes, but I'm certain that there is always something good that can come from any moment- even if we realize it later.

I posted this quote on Instagram this morning from the Shine Project and it resonated hard.

" I know the beginning of anything feels so overwhelming.  But don't skip it.  Don't rush through it waiting to get to the next phase of your life.  The beginning is where magic lives"

And then I saw this one....

"No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should" - Max Ehrmann

All of these little nuggets of hope, presented to me because I have decided I need to manifest change within my head/thoughts.  I am definitely someone that needs these reminders, words of wisdom.  I cling to them in times when I feel lost/defeated/hopeless.

When I was young I had a lot of stomach issues.  But my pediatrician didn't think it was due to allergies or physical illness.  She realized I was a worrier.  She was also Jamaican.  Have you figured out where this is going yet?
"Don't worry about a thing.  'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright" (-Bob)
This became our mantra.  A constant reminder from my parents and the people around me that it was (and still is) all going to be ok!  Once I was aware that I was a worrier, I could better manage those feelings.

I know I need to change my thoughts.  I know that this destructive, obsessive thought pattern I have gotten myself into is not good.  I know I need to relinquish the power I have given to my thoughts and the amount of control I have allowed them to have over me.  But I'm not sure I know how to do that.  I am hung up on that I won't be able to let go completely, which I so badly want to do.  That it will always be in the back of my mind, nagging me to try to maintain some "control".  I fear that I am in so deep, that I can't go back.

Well, I know I can't go back.  I just need to move through it and on to a better place.  A fun, carefree place.  Without worry, or stress, or anxiety over achieving this "thing".

I release myself from these obsessive thoughts
I am peaceful and free
I am ready to enjoy life

❤️

Previously Recorded: Holiday Chaos of 2017

So I wasn't going to post this... but I want to remember it.  And I haven't posted anything since we got married, so....


The holidays are a flop, bust, epic failure around our house. Zero holiday spirit.  Except for my shopping is almost done!

Last year we did it all.  Tasteful outdoor lights, real garland around the windows and openings inside the house.  Our beautiful tree, carefully decorated in our front window.  Picture perfect, fresh and excited homeowners.

But this year....

If you follow me on Instagram, you know we have been renovating our kitchen.  Since October...

The refrigerator is still in my living room, and pieces of furniture have been displaced all over the house.  There is a huge box containing the range hood hanging out in the middle of the floor, and the dining room is a chaotic mess of tools, materials, and all the things that belong IN the kitchen.  We make coffee every morning in the living room, on the coffee table (fitting), because it's the closest available outlet.  I've been doing dishes in the bathroom for the last two months, and I already have a new rug in waiting because the one we have now is completely destroyed, despite every effort to keep up on the cleaning.

We have tried to keep the dust to a minimum- but now, we will use it as a guide to know what hasn't been cleaned yet when this whole process is over.

We've gone back and forth about shoving more furniture to the side to fit a Christmas tree in the corner of the living room.  Do we decorate the whole thing, or just the front half?  Is it even worth it?  Should we just put the top half of the tree up and have a mini tree?  Yes, do it, we need a place to put presents.  No, it's not worth it.  It always comes down to whether we want more clutter in an already cramped space at this point. And I don't- I desperately want it all to just go away. I've thought about buying a small (like really small), real tree just for ambiance- but then remember that that would be bringing more stuff IN... and I'd have to water it.

We went for a walk in the blizzard the other night.  Admiring our neighbors decorations.  And then there was our house... so dark and spiritless.  Maybe I'll get a wreath for the front door and call it good...

I know, I know- whine whine whine (I'd really like wine, wine, wine)

I was driving to work today, thinking about putting any holiday decor out at all... Thinking how someday this could be a good teaching moment for our nonexistent children.  A tree is a luxury.  If we don't have a tree this year, I can really say to them- "You know kids, one year your dad and I didn't even have a Christmas tree up" (I sort of chuckle at this because for us, it's a choice to put up a tree or not- but also totally something my parents would have said to us to scare us into being good, or make us feel bad for them)- and then I can whip out the book I am going to make of all the photos from start to finish and show them how lucky we were- tree or not- to be renovating our kitchen. And how lucky they are to still have married parents after the whole ordeal.  The End.

What's the point? I don't know.  Maybe it's all once step further to skipping the stuff and spending holidays with family, without all the hoopla.  Being together is what matters most.  Although, I wouldn't want ANYONE to enter my chaotic home at this point to spend time with me.  There's no place for you to sit anyway.  So decorate your tree's folks- We're coming over!

Cabinets go in Monday, and we probably won't have a tree up this year. Bah Humbug

Update: We did not put up a tree and THE REFRIGERATOR IS OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM.  Woo hoo!

So it really wasn't as bad as I made it seem in the 'post' above. We had a great holiday season with family and friends.

We are so close to finishing this epic renovation, and I think I'll do a post once we are all done showing the whole process.

I hope your 2018 is off to an amazing start.  Our motto this year: Anytime something goes our way- no matter how big or small- "2018 is going (or "still going") to be a great year"! 😂 So original...

Anyway, hope you got a chuckle out of that nonsense up there.

Cheers to the Best Day Ever

So married life is pretty great.  Not too many surprises after 7 years together- but it's like we've fallen in love all over again.  It's cloud nine.  In fact, it's probably better than the first time we fell in love. Call it the honeymoon phase, but I hope each new chapter in our lives brings this much happiness and joy.  

We got a preview of our photos and I can't stop looking at them with a giant smile on my face.  Like giddy to have them and relive the most amazing day of my life. ** Update: We finally got the original files to print, post, and plaster all over the house!**

I have been wanting to write a post to capture the day, but I'm not sure I can put it into words.  Words just won't do it justice.  Just like my words won't do most of the vendors we worked with justice- we are so appreciative to them all.  We couldn't have gotten luckier in being able to work with some of the best in Northern Michigan. But here it goes- before it becomes any less clear in my mind...

It was a day of magic and rain.  I woke excited and calm and ready.  There were a few hiccups, but it wouldn't have been OUR perfect day without them.  It rained and the wind was blowing snot.  The plan was to go to the Grand Traverse lighthouse for our first look before the ceremony.  I'll be honest, a quick thought crossed my mind and I almost decided not to do it.  But I said screw it, and off we went in the wind and rain.  We drove in separate cars and the rain subsided just as we arrived.  The wind did not however.  Luke was already waiting for me- I was standing on the side of the lighthouse sheltered from the wind, and I can say I almost didn't want to leave the safety of the large building blocking the wind, but I did and I nearly blew away.  But the look on his face- pure happiness, was all worth it.  We were wet and windblown by the time we left but I'm so glad we didn't pass up the amazing opportunity.  

We arrived early to the church, and from the first day we met our Pastor he told us that the wedding begins when the bride is ready (no matter what time it's really supposed to start).  Well guests hadn't even arrived yet and I was ready.  So excited to meet my groom at the altar and vow to forever.

I thought I would cry a lot more on this momentous day- I certainly cried a lot leading up to it.  All happy tears of course, and tears of joyful anticipation.  A few frustrated tears- but not as many as some experience I'm sure ;)

As I walked down the aisle, in a hurry- my dad had to remind me to slow down (according to the pictures, I should have reminded him to smile), I started to choke up- like really big tears, amazed by all the people there to be witness to our love and commitment.  All people who have loved us before we even knew each other.  I took a very deep breath (choked back the ugly crying) about half way down the aisle, and that was it.  All smiles from there on out.  Pure happiness and love.  The real thing.

Actually, that's a lie.  I cried like a baby when Luke danced with his mother- it was such a sweet moment.

There were two times I made the conscious decision to stop and take it all in.  To look at everyone who had come to be with us on our best day ever.  As I arrived at the altar with my groom, I turned out and took everyone in.  And as I sat at our sweetheart table at the reception, I felt an intense amount of happiness and calmness.  So peaceful and loved.  Everyone at their tables having a great time, it couldn't have been better.

We took several moments to just be together through out the big event, fortunate to have our amazing photographer capture them!

In all honesty- the day after was so hard; I think all of the emotions finally caught up to me.  I cried all day at the drop of a hat because I was so sad it was over, but totally, blissfully happy at the same time!  My grandma always told me, "don't be sad it's over, be glad it happened".  The day after was a serious letdown, but fortunately the sadness was mostly gone the following day.  Post-wedding blues is a REAL thing...

We didn't go on a honeymoon right away- it's all planned for February 2017, when it's stupid cold out.  But spending time together in our home, as husband and wife has been so wonderful. 

Together forever. For life.

Photography by Meg Paxton of Paxton Photography (We HIGHLY recommend her!)

Positive Dreams and Wedding Things

I'm totally a poet 👆🏽

So I felt like I needed to write this because I was so excited to have been given this sign, and maybe it will help someone else.

I received confirmation in the form of a dream last night that thinking positive thoughts and not making up stress really works.  I had a dream about our wedding ceremony- which is only two weeks away!

It was the most beautiful dream.  So much emotion and love- neither of us could get through our vows without tears.  Afterwards, everyone couldn't stop talking about the most amazing feeling and how great it was to be witness to so much love.

I can only hope our wedding day is like that! (I'm pretty sure it will be 😊)

You're probably thinking- wow, for real?  I'm so stressed out about my wedding, or man, I was stressed out two weeks before my wedding.  Is she just saying that, or is she really this zen about it?

Don't get me wrong- I've had my moments.  But guess what I've figured out- Wedding stress is a stereotype.  People/women think they have to be stressed out when they are planning/approaching their wedding.  There are so many of those memes and e-card things pointing out how stressful a wedding is, and yes they're funny, but I think they secretly get lost in our heads and end up become a reality. So many people have asked how I'm doing with everything and how the planning is going.  Guys, it's great.  Like really- I'm prepared, everything is pretty much ready and I've got a relaxing week up north on the boat ahead of me before the big day.

Here's the trick- No one or thing can make you stressed out.  You get to choose.  And this goes with anything in life- not just weddings.  Often times we/I create stress in my head for things that haven't even happened.  Isn't that what planning a wedding day is mostly about?  Creating and preparing for this perfect day/image and being damned if it doesn't go that way and worrying about it along the way?

Nope! This is supposed to be the best frikken day of your life so far.  Why ruin it and the process with stress and disappointment?

I have tried to be so purposefully positive with my thoughts and actions throughout this whole planning process.  It's really helped me in all areas of my life.  I've held onto the intention that it is not about what the day looks like, but what it feels like.  Anytime I start to feel anxious or start creating stress, I remind myself that it's about how the day feels and that those little cocktail napkins really don't matter.  And I say out loud, "Stop creating stress for things that haven't even happened yet".  If I don't stress about them now, then I won't stress about them when they do or don't happen because I won't be worried about how things are supposed to go.

I believe the positivity has shown through in other ways too- especially in those around us.

We are surrounded by so many people who love each other.  I knew these people loved each other before because they're married, or in committed relationships... But now I've really seen it.  The unconditional love and unwavering commitments to each other.  It's so beautiful.  And we are so blessed to have these examples as we enter into our own life long commitments of love and togetherness.   Friends, family, even the outward expression of love from people we barely know.  It has effected me and opened my eyes to the rawness and reality of what it means to spend the rest of your life with someone.  And I wouldn't choose anyone else to take this step with.  You don't realize how amazing marriage really is until it's about to become a reality.  Having a wedding and marriage is so much more than the flowers, dress, invitations, etc.  It's about community and family- about being surrounded by those who support your commitment; and together, declare it in front of God that they will be there to support you and guide you through the awesome and scary times, judgement free.

The outpouring of love and support that we have received from family and friends is unexplainable.  You never realize how many people truly have your back and are rooting for you.  The positive support and encouragement means more than anything.

Anyway, we are so excited for the next two weeks.  And totally cool as a couple cucumbers.  Nobody wants to be a bridezilla- stress is optional 😘

Lots of love-
Your favorite zen bride 😉✌🏽

PS- I think a lot of people realize these things after they're married and pass along the advice to future brides- but it totally helps if you realize this (on your own) before the wedding 👍🏽

Changing My Silent Moments

Happy New Year!

I am on a journey.

The other day I had a thought.  I think I was driving and had probably just been cut off, and instead of getting mad and thinking about it for the rest of the drive, I let it go and thought of this:

I often find myself sitting in silence and not using those silent moments for good.  Whether it is at work, during a pause in a conversation (which can be awkward, but it doesn't have to be), driving, etc.  What do you do with your thoughts in those moments?  I know it is so easy to allow complaints or negative thoughts to come in, or feel sorry for someone.  I do this- I don't necessarily say them out loud, but I sit around and wallow or re-hash old happenings.

I've become a believer in "putting it out there".  Putting my positive thoughts and hopes out into the universe to manifest into what it is they are supposed to become.  The saying "what goes around comes around" is REAL.  My thought is that if I am positively sending good things out, specific or not, that it will be received by those it's supposed to.

So I was thinking, what if I took those silent moments and deliberately thought positive thoughts.  Whether it's about the person I am with, sending them good energy and love in that moment.  Or positive thoughts to a situation that may not have been so positive when it was happening- changing the way I look at it and feel about it.  It was brought to my attention that often things or people that enter my life are a "mirror" and I know it is my choice how I learn from them, and of course, react.

I have been very aware and open to admitting to my negative and not so kind moments, it is the only way I am going to become the person I want to be.  And it is hard.  It is a practice, and requires diligence and constant awareness.  But it's pretty cool too.  I want all the good vibes, and I want them to come from me!

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought" -Buddha