A Good Thing Gone Bad

The power of the mind is an incredible thing.  Have you ever made a decision or wanted something and become so fixated on it that it's all you think about?  Good decisions can become so destructive!  I have over-researched in order to be "well informed", I see it in other people ALL THE TIME now, and I've gotten to the point where I think I can control it- aka: force it to happen/become.

But I can't. (and I know this is a bit vague- but hear me out.  It applies to anything in life)

This "thing" I have decided on is so out of my control it's not even funny.  And the logical side of me knows that!  But I have gotten myself into such a destructive thought pattern, that I am ruining myself over searching for a way to force it to happen.  And by doing so, I know it will never be.

But it's so hard to let go, when it's something I've decided I want so badly.

I probably can't even answer why I want it.  It's just become an obsession...

As I worry about this thing I can't control, I'm missing out on my life.  I'm rushing so fast to get to this next thing by trying to control it, that I am truly missing out on what is so good right in front of me.

Every moment is precious.  It's hard to see it that way sometimes, but I'm certain that there is always something good that can come from any moment- even if we realize it later.

I posted this quote on Instagram this morning from the Shine Project and it resonated hard.

" I know the beginning of anything feels so overwhelming.  But don't skip it.  Don't rush through it waiting to get to the next phase of your life.  The beginning is where magic lives"

And then I saw this one....

"No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should" - Max Ehrmann

All of these little nuggets of hope, presented to me because I have decided I need to manifest change within my head/thoughts.  I am definitely someone that needs these reminders, words of wisdom.  I cling to them in times when I feel lost/defeated/hopeless.

When I was young I had a lot of stomach issues.  But my pediatrician didn't think it was due to allergies or physical illness.  She realized I was a worrier.  She was also Jamaican.  Have you figured out where this is going yet?
"Don't worry about a thing.  'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright" (-Bob)
This became our mantra.  A constant reminder from my parents and the people around me that it was (and still is) all going to be ok!  Once I was aware that I was a worrier, I could better manage those feelings.

I know I need to change my thoughts.  I know that this destructive, obsessive thought pattern I have gotten myself into is not good.  I know I need to relinquish the power I have given to my thoughts and the amount of control I have allowed them to have over me.  But I'm not sure I know how to do that.  I am hung up on that I won't be able to let go completely, which I so badly want to do.  That it will always be in the back of my mind, nagging me to try to maintain some "control".  I fear that I am in so deep, that I can't go back.

Well, I know I can't go back.  I just need to move through it and on to a better place.  A fun, carefree place.  Without worry, or stress, or anxiety over achieving this "thing".

I release myself from these obsessive thoughts
I am peaceful and free
I am ready to enjoy life

❤️

Previously Recorded: Holiday Chaos of 2017

So I wasn't going to post this... but I want to remember it.  And I haven't posted anything since we got married, so....


The holidays are a flop, bust, epic failure around our house. Zero holiday spirit.  Except for my shopping is almost done!

Last year we did it all.  Tasteful outdoor lights, real garland around the windows and openings inside the house.  Our beautiful tree, carefully decorated in our front window.  Picture perfect, fresh and excited homeowners.

But this year....

If you follow me on Instagram, you know we have been renovating our kitchen.  Since October...

The refrigerator is still in my living room, and pieces of furniture have been displaced all over the house.  There is a huge box containing the range hood hanging out in the middle of the floor, and the dining room is a chaotic mess of tools, materials, and all the things that belong IN the kitchen.  We make coffee every morning in the living room, on the coffee table (fitting), because it's the closest available outlet.  I've been doing dishes in the bathroom for the last two months, and I already have a new rug in waiting because the one we have now is completely destroyed, despite every effort to keep up on the cleaning.

We have tried to keep the dust to a minimum- but now, we will use it as a guide to know what hasn't been cleaned yet when this whole process is over.

We've gone back and forth about shoving more furniture to the side to fit a Christmas tree in the corner of the living room.  Do we decorate the whole thing, or just the front half?  Is it even worth it?  Should we just put the top half of the tree up and have a mini tree?  Yes, do it, we need a place to put presents.  No, it's not worth it.  It always comes down to whether we want more clutter in an already cramped space at this point. And I don't- I desperately want it all to just go away. I've thought about buying a small (like really small), real tree just for ambiance- but then remember that that would be bringing more stuff IN... and I'd have to water it.

We went for a walk in the blizzard the other night.  Admiring our neighbors decorations.  And then there was our house... so dark and spiritless.  Maybe I'll get a wreath for the front door and call it good...

I know, I know- whine whine whine (I'd really like wine, wine, wine)

I was driving to work today, thinking about putting any holiday decor out at all... Thinking how someday this could be a good teaching moment for our nonexistent children.  A tree is a luxury.  If we don't have a tree this year, I can really say to them- "You know kids, one year your dad and I didn't even have a Christmas tree up" (I sort of chuckle at this because for us, it's a choice to put up a tree or not- but also totally something my parents would have said to us to scare us into being good, or make us feel bad for them)- and then I can whip out the book I am going to make of all the photos from start to finish and show them how lucky we were- tree or not- to be renovating our kitchen. And how lucky they are to still have married parents after the whole ordeal.  The End.

What's the point? I don't know.  Maybe it's all once step further to skipping the stuff and spending holidays with family, without all the hoopla.  Being together is what matters most.  Although, I wouldn't want ANYONE to enter my chaotic home at this point to spend time with me.  There's no place for you to sit anyway.  So decorate your tree's folks- We're coming over!

Cabinets go in Monday, and we probably won't have a tree up this year. Bah Humbug

Update: We did not put up a tree and THE REFRIGERATOR IS OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM.  Woo hoo!

So it really wasn't as bad as I made it seem in the 'post' above. We had a great holiday season with family and friends.

We are so close to finishing this epic renovation, and I think I'll do a post once we are all done showing the whole process.

I hope your 2018 is off to an amazing start.  Our motto this year: Anytime something goes our way- no matter how big or small- "2018 is going (or "still going") to be a great year"! 😂 So original...

Anyway, hope you got a chuckle out of that nonsense up there.

Cheers to the Best Day Ever

So married life is pretty great.  Not too many surprises after 7 years together- but it's like we've fallen in love all over again.  It's cloud nine.  In fact, it's probably better than the first time we fell in love. Call it the honeymoon phase, but I hope each new chapter in our lives brings this much happiness and joy.  

We got a preview of our photos and I can't stop looking at them with a giant smile on my face.  Like giddy to have them and relive the most amazing day of my life. ** Update: We finally got the original files to print, post, and plaster all over the house!**

I have been wanting to write a post to capture the day, but I'm not sure I can put it into words.  Words just won't do it justice.  Just like my words won't do most of the vendors we worked with justice- we are so appreciative to them all.  We couldn't have gotten luckier in being able to work with some of the best in Northern Michigan. But here it goes- before it becomes any less clear in my mind...

It was a day of magic and rain.  I woke excited and calm and ready.  There were a few hiccups, but it wouldn't have been OUR perfect day without them.  It rained and the wind was blowing snot.  The plan was to go to the Grand Traverse lighthouse for our first look before the ceremony.  I'll be honest, a quick thought crossed my mind and I almost decided not to do it.  But I said screw it, and off we went in the wind and rain.  We drove in separate cars and the rain subsided just as we arrived.  The wind did not however.  Luke was already waiting for me- I was standing on the side of the lighthouse sheltered from the wind, and I can say I almost didn't want to leave the safety of the large building blocking the wind, but I did and I nearly blew away.  But the look on his face- pure happiness, was all worth it.  We were wet and windblown by the time we left but I'm so glad we didn't pass up the amazing opportunity.  

We arrived early to the church, and from the first day we met our Pastor he told us that the wedding begins when the bride is ready (no matter what time it's really supposed to start).  Well guests hadn't even arrived yet and I was ready.  So excited to meet my groom at the altar and vow to forever.

I thought I would cry a lot more on this momentous day- I certainly cried a lot leading up to it.  All happy tears of course, and tears of joyful anticipation.  A few frustrated tears- but not as many as some experience I'm sure ;)

As I walked down the aisle, in a hurry- my dad had to remind me to slow down (according to the pictures, I should have reminded him to smile), I started to choke up- like really big tears, amazed by all the people there to be witness to our love and commitment.  All people who have loved us before we even knew each other.  I took a very deep breath (choked back the ugly crying) about half way down the aisle, and that was it.  All smiles from there on out.  Pure happiness and love.  The real thing.

Actually, that's a lie.  I cried like a baby when Luke danced with his mother- it was such a sweet moment.

There were two times I made the conscious decision to stop and take it all in.  To look at everyone who had come to be with us on our best day ever.  As I arrived at the altar with my groom, I turned out and took everyone in.  And as I sat at our sweetheart table at the reception, I felt an intense amount of happiness and calmness.  So peaceful and loved.  Everyone at their tables having a great time, it couldn't have been better.

We took several moments to just be together through out the big event, fortunate to have our amazing photographer capture them!

In all honesty- the day after was so hard; I think all of the emotions finally caught up to me.  I cried all day at the drop of a hat because I was so sad it was over, but totally, blissfully happy at the same time!  My grandma always told me, "don't be sad it's over, be glad it happened".  The day after was a serious letdown, but fortunately the sadness was mostly gone the following day.  Post-wedding blues is a REAL thing...

We didn't go on a honeymoon right away- it's all planned for February 2017, when it's stupid cold out.  But spending time together in our home, as husband and wife has been so wonderful. 

Together forever. For life.

Photography by Meg Paxton of Paxton Photography (We HIGHLY recommend her!)

Positive Dreams and Wedding Things

I'm totally a poet 👆🏽

So I felt like I needed to write this because I was so excited to have been given this sign, and maybe it will help someone else.

I received confirmation in the form of a dream last night that thinking positive thoughts and not making up stress really works.  I had a dream about our wedding ceremony- which is only two weeks away!

It was the most beautiful dream.  So much emotion and love- neither of us could get through our vows without tears.  Afterwards, everyone couldn't stop talking about the most amazing feeling and how great it was to be witness to so much love.

I can only hope our wedding day is like that! (I'm pretty sure it will be 😊)

You're probably thinking- wow, for real?  I'm so stressed out about my wedding, or man, I was stressed out two weeks before my wedding.  Is she just saying that, or is she really this zen about it?

Don't get me wrong- I've had my moments.  But guess what I've figured out- Wedding stress is a stereotype.  People/women think they have to be stressed out when they are planning/approaching their wedding.  There are so many of those memes and e-card things pointing out how stressful a wedding is, and yes they're funny, but I think they secretly get lost in our heads and end up become a reality. So many people have asked how I'm doing with everything and how the planning is going.  Guys, it's great.  Like really- I'm prepared, everything is pretty much ready and I've got a relaxing week up north on the boat ahead of me before the big day.

Here's the trick- No one or thing can make you stressed out.  You get to choose.  And this goes with anything in life- not just weddings.  Often times we/I create stress in my head for things that haven't even happened.  Isn't that what planning a wedding day is mostly about?  Creating and preparing for this perfect day/image and being damned if it doesn't go that way and worrying about it along the way?

Nope! This is supposed to be the best frikken day of your life so far.  Why ruin it and the process with stress and disappointment?

I have tried to be so purposefully positive with my thoughts and actions throughout this whole planning process.  It's really helped me in all areas of my life.  I've held onto the intention that it is not about what the day looks like, but what it feels like.  Anytime I start to feel anxious or start creating stress, I remind myself that it's about how the day feels and that those little cocktail napkins really don't matter.  And I say out loud, "Stop creating stress for things that haven't even happened yet".  If I don't stress about them now, then I won't stress about them when they do or don't happen because I won't be worried about how things are supposed to go.

I believe the positivity has shown through in other ways too- especially in those around us.

We are surrounded by so many people who love each other.  I knew these people loved each other before because they're married, or in committed relationships... But now I've really seen it.  The unconditional love and unwavering commitments to each other.  It's so beautiful.  And we are so blessed to have these examples as we enter into our own life long commitments of love and togetherness.   Friends, family, even the outward expression of love from people we barely know.  It has effected me and opened my eyes to the rawness and reality of what it means to spend the rest of your life with someone.  And I wouldn't choose anyone else to take this step with.  You don't realize how amazing marriage really is until it's about to become a reality.  Having a wedding and marriage is so much more than the flowers, dress, invitations, etc.  It's about community and family- about being surrounded by those who support your commitment; and together, declare it in front of God that they will be there to support you and guide you through the awesome and scary times, judgement free.

The outpouring of love and support that we have received from family and friends is unexplainable.  You never realize how many people truly have your back and are rooting for you.  The positive support and encouragement means more than anything.

Anyway, we are so excited for the next two weeks.  And totally cool as a couple cucumbers.  Nobody wants to be a bridezilla- stress is optional 😘

Lots of love-
Your favorite zen bride 😉✌🏽

PS- I think a lot of people realize these things after they're married and pass along the advice to future brides- but it totally helps if you realize this (on your own) before the wedding 👍🏽

Changing My Silent Moments

Happy New Year!

I am on a journey.

The other day I had a thought.  I think I was driving and had probably just been cut off, and instead of getting mad and thinking about it for the rest of the drive, I let it go and thought of this:

I often find myself sitting in silence and not using those silent moments for good.  Whether it is at work, during a pause in a conversation (which can be awkward, but it doesn't have to be), driving, etc.  What do you do with your thoughts in those moments?  I know it is so easy to allow complaints or negative thoughts to come in, or feel sorry for someone.  I do this- I don't necessarily say them out loud, but I sit around and wallow or re-hash old happenings.

I've become a believer in "putting it out there".  Putting my positive thoughts and hopes out into the universe to manifest into what it is they are supposed to become.  The saying "what goes around comes around" is REAL.  My thought is that if I am positively sending good things out, specific or not, that it will be received by those it's supposed to.

So I was thinking, what if I took those silent moments and deliberately thought positive thoughts.  Whether it's about the person I am with, sending them good energy and love in that moment.  Or positive thoughts to a situation that may not have been so positive when it was happening- changing the way I look at it and feel about it.  It was brought to my attention that often things or people that enter my life are a "mirror" and I know it is my choice how I learn from them, and of course, react.

I have been very aware and open to admitting to my negative and not so kind moments, it is the only way I am going to become the person I want to be.  And it is hard.  It is a practice, and requires diligence and constant awareness.  But it's pretty cool too.  I want all the good vibes, and I want them to come from me!

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought" -Buddha

We're Getting Married!

After 6 and a half years, Luke proposed!  It was so perfect and intimate, and the ring is Whoa!

So here's the story:

I knew he was in the process of designing a ring (with a local artist we found), but I didn't know when he was going to propose or what it was going to look like.  I could never make up my mind on a style, so he just took all the ideas he liked and the few criteria I had (delicate, not too big, and I didn't want it to stick up very high) and created the most amazing ring I have ever seen.  It is way more than I could have ever imagined, and so special because of the thought he put into it.

Admiring it, of course :)

I knew he was going to ask my dad for permission, hah but I only knew when it was happening because my dad asked me why Luke wanted to meet for breakfast Thursday morning at 7am before we went up north for the weekend (nothing like last minute).  Nothing is sacred in the Ruggles family… :)

So all day Thursday and Friday morning Luke was telling me that it wasn't going to happen this weekend because the ring didn't end up getting finished.  It wasn't ready.  I, of course, didn't believe him because I figured he was just trying to fake me out.  I'm only dumb sometimes :)  So Friday morning, I finally started to believe that it wasn't happening.  Fine with it, we went about our day.  We were in Elk Rapids for the weekend staying on the boat, and we needed beer and sandwiches for the beach.  So we started to drive to the grocery store to pick up the necessities and he pulled into the parking lot of the Dam Beach (our favorite spot).  I was like "what are you doing?" (but I knew),  "why do you keep messing with me"- and I think I said that over and over again before we got out of the car and as we walked down the pier.  I was near tears as we got out of the car (because, come on, I knew it was going to happen), but I held it in and went along with the "charade" :)

We walked down the pier and he started saying all the sweet things.  There were people on the pier so we walked down onto the sand, along the water to be alone.

And then he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife.  And of course, I said YES!  It was the perfect moment – just the two of us.

And then we went to the grocery store :)

So happy!  Celebrating that night at Pearls

So there you have it.  It was perfect and we are so grateful for all of the love and support we have received since last Friday.

E.R. sunflower fields the next day 

Now if I could just get my head to stop spinning from all these thoughts of wedding planning…More on that later ;)

Easing into Monday

We had the best weekend ever!  At least, the best weekend so far this summer.  We went Up North to the boat, and the weather was incredible.  Clear blue skies, crystal clear water (and pretty warm too), and the perfect little breeze.

Sunday started out cloudy with a few sprinkles, but turned into the most magnificent day.

I'm sure we aren't alone when we often spend Sunday agonizing over how close Monday is.  But yesterday we lived a little, gave Monday the cold shoulder.  As the day turned into the most perfect of days, we looked at each other and knew we couldn't waste it in the car driving home and then sitting around feeling sorry that Monday was just around the corner.  So we spent the day on the beach with family.  Swimming, laughing, relaxing – not even thinking about Monday.  It was just how every Sunday is supposed to be spent.

5:30 rolled around and we dragged ourselves off the beach to head home.  Completely relaxed and sun kissed.  The drive isn't so bad when you're full of peace and happiness.  We got home after dark and just made it to the ice cream shop.  Because why wouldn't you end the most perfect day with a little frozen treat?

Satisfied and sleepy, we crawled into bed and drifted off.  I didn't wake up once- that never happens.  Woke up this morning, and it was actually easy to get up.  Still relaxed and totally cool going into the new week.

So, Monday-schmunday.  Have a great week!

Cabana Izzy- She swam so much she could barely keep her eyes open

This guy- best day ever