A Not So Harsh Reality and a Strange Place

My student loans are slightly outrageous.  Like unfathomable amounts of money.  That I have to pay back... When I look at the number I owe, I feel nothing.  It sits there looking back at me with all of it's round, perfect zeros saying "you'll be paying me your whole fricken life... sucker".  Still, I feel nothing towards this large number... I can imagine it would freak some people out, cause heart palpitations or worse.  It is a part of my reality that I am not going to let make or break me.  Sure it means always having some kind of job- making it difficult to be spontaneous and live adventurously.  In a way, I guess I feel like I have sold my soul to the devil- always paying and working for The Man- but I feel a strange sense of peace with the shitty reality that is now all my own.  It is what it is right? So why waste what precious available time I have worrying about it?  The money comes in, and the money goes out... Just like that.  If it comes and goes so fast, and if there is enough to cover what needs to be paid- then why are we so attached?  I have a small little savings- enough to fix a car problem or two.  What more do I need?  I have the bills and the basics (food, gas, medicines) covered, so really the only thing left to have money for would be fun stuff... well there is plenty of fun to be had without spending money.  My high school best friend and I used to have a list of "free fun".  An inventory of things that we could do when we had no cents to rub together.  Living life does not equal having lots of money to participate in lavish events and purchases.  There are plenty of experiences to be had without having to spend money.  And so what if it takes me several months to save enough (based on what is left over each month) to purchase a new pair of pants?  Those pants will be hard earned and I will have learned a valuable lesson in instant gratification- heck, I might even feel like i'm ten again and had to save months and months (sometimes even years) of those $2/week allowances to get that coveted something.  

So I guess the point here is that I'm not scared.  I'm not scared of the debt, or lack of money.  Money doesn't make life.  Life is made based on the experiences and the outlook we choose to have. I am excited to live in a simple way... see where it takes me.  I only hope my life get's simpler the older I get.  Less stuff- we think we need all this stuff, but we don't.

Something that does freak me out a little is this whole 'work everyday of my life for the rest of my life' thing....

I feel like I'm in a strange place right now.  With life... I am at this weird intersection of being an adult.  My sweet, loving grandmother brought it to my attention yesterday that I spent all of my college years working and going to school, just to get to this point of going to work... everyday, for the rest of my life.  And I know that it is the reality I face, don't get me wrong... But it really hit me as I was driving to work today.  The same drive I have been driving for nearly a year now.  Wake up, drive to work, work, drive home, go to bed.  Repeat.  5 days out of the week.  Am I happy?  Well yes, because I choose to be.  Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?  Probably not.  

It is strange going to bed a student and waking up a working adult- happens so fast.  The switch of reality- no time to adjust.  I miss school and learning and having that to break up life.  Always learning something new is exciting.  Different perspectives and ideas always surrounding you.  And the interaction with other students, people from all walks of life- I miss that more than anything.  Here I am, now sitting in the same chair, day after day, doing the mundane- seriously lacking excitement here.  I'm struggling to find experiences that will teach me new and exciting things- like I had while in school. 

I've picked up a book, called Creative Confidence.  It's for anyone, not just the "creative, artsy" type.  It's about learning to be creative in everything you do.  Even if you don't have the typical creative job.  It's cool, because you know what?  We are all creative- we were born with an inherent ability to think and act creatively.  I am hoping this book rekindles my creative spark and helps me to see things differently.  This mundane day to day life has really killed my inspiration and creativity.  Even though I work as a graphic designer, there isn't much room for creativity- I'm feeling burnt out. Hah, I've only been working for about  a year and I'm already feeling burnt out- NOT GOOD.  It is a lifeless feeling for me to not feel inspired or motivated to create things.

While I know that I want to be a designer for the rest of my life, I feel like I am still finding myself and figuring out my path in life... It's kind of like, ok got the career part figured out, so now what?  And not knowing is just as scary as not having a clue as to what career you want to have.  But I guess that is apart of life- You don't always have it all figured out right from the start!  I better start embracing the adventure!

A New Year

I love December 31st.  It is exciting to think about the new year and the new beginnings.  Doing things for the last time "this year" and anticipating all of the new experiences in the coming 365 days.  New Years Eve and Day are probably my favorite holidays for that reason.  I always find myself dreaming of lavish parties and being with friends and the kiss at midnight.  The last few years on New Years Eve have not been all that exciting unfortunately.  I had thought of making plans this year and decided to just let it be and see what happens.  Let me tell you, it was the most romantic and perfect New Years Eve I have ever had.  We stayed in, just the two of us, listened to music and just talked and enjoyed each others company.  It was so fun.  No TV, just us, and the pup.  We talked about the future and the things we want in life.  It was so beautiful, more than I could have hoped for.  We watched the ball drop, kissed, and pretty much fell into champagne comas.

2013 was a pretty great year when I stop and reflect.  I finally graduated with my BFA and landed a pretty incredible job.  It isn't something I ever saw myself doing, but there is so much opportunity and I am so thankful everyday.  There were rough points in 2013 as well, but that's what makes life interesting- that is how you grow.  I realized a lot about love in 2013.  Love isn't about receiving or what the other person can do for you.  Love is to be given- but only once you love yourself first.  I realized that I loved someone so much that I would do anything for them, even after thinking that I needed to move on.  Relationships are hard, they aren't always pretty and perfect- shit gets real eventually and the honeymoon is over.  But it is so worth it when you get the feeling and know the feeling is real that this person is The One.

So, I'm sitting here having a work at home/snow day, thinking about all the things I want to do with my life.  All the things I want to experience and try.  The art studio I hope to have someday.  Filled with every imaginable tool and supplies to create what ever I feel inspired to make.  I love finding people who are already doing this and seeing them living their dream.  Creating with their own hands goods that are so heavily manufactured today.  It is such a beautiful thing to be able to create and live from those creations.

I don't have a resolution this year- not a set one anyway.  2014 is not going to be about "things" or looking better, or how much money I can make.  I already have more than I could ever need, I could probably use to simplify even more.  I plan to make time for the things I love to do and the people I love to be with.  It's all about the time together and the experiences had this year.  Can you imagine life if no one worried about what they had or didn't have?  If no one worried about money or allowed conflict to control their thoughts and emotions?  Peace would be everywhere.  This year I am going to live with what I have and make do.  No more wanting and wishing for things that I think will make my life better.  I have everything I need, within me and around me- I really do.

My dad threw a question my way the other day as we were hanging up the phone -- What if this is Heaven?  My answer was- Then this is as good as it gets and we all better start enjoying it!

Peace Friends, and Happy New Year!

Dreams

Tears.  You can feel them build in your throat and move upwards.  They get to the back of your eyes, and slowly creep around to the front.  But then, sometimes, they just rest there... unsure of their next move.  Balancing on the edge of your eye lids and then your lashes.  The relief of them gliding down your cheek- even if it's just a few.  A pressure so strong if forced back in- but sometimes it is necessary.

I had a dream the other night that I was running from home to the Mackinaw bridge- that is far, I have a hard time making past 2 miles.... But I was meeting all these interesting people and I was getting close.  In the dream it wasn't about the miles though, because people kept telling me I had only gone a short distance but that I was almost there, and I knew I was almost there because the route I was taking was lucid.  I knew where I was and where I needed to be.  Unfortunately, my alarm woke me up as I got near Traverse City, so I don't know if I ever made it.

I would have made it- I'm going to make it.  This dream wasn't about following my dreams-  I think it was more about making choices to keep going- but to keep going for ME.  Make the changes to allow myself to keep going and to then go after my dreams and what I deserve.  It was all about choices.  I could have chosen to stop or walk, but I kept running when it was hard- and the people encouraged me to keep going.  You never get stronger if you give up or take the easy way out, the comfortable way...

I've made my decision.  To keep going...

Church

I've been thinking about this post for a very long time. I haven't always been sure of my words or how I could relate this to anything.  But in way, it became relevant the other day- or at least gave me a way to express my thoughts.  There is no resolution to these feelings... and only relates to me, but I still wanted to share these thoughts...

I asked Luke if he felt a responsibility to find a church to attend and take our kids to one day.  He replied with a "no".  His explanation was that he didn't want to force anything on them, and wanted them to make that decision for themselves one day.  I asked, "but don't you want to lay some kind of foundation for them to make their own discoveries"?  His reply was that we would be the foundation.  I do agree and respect his opinion (they'd be his kids too), but I feel a sense of responsibility to my future children to show them something bigger than myself.  To give them something higher to believe in, something that I am so grateful to have had as a young person.

Our conversation brought me to finally writing this post and expressing my own feelings regarding church and the changes that I have met face to face, impacting the way I feel.  It has been a battle I have been dealing with in my heart for quite some time now.  I moved away to go to college 6 years ago and never found a new church community to participate in.  I always thought it would be easy to return to my old church, or that I would want to go back to visit on a regular basis (or when I could)- but that wasn't the case.  Leaving my childhood church seemed to leave me with somewhat of a sense of relief. In the years before I went to college things had changed a lot for me there.  Close friends drifted away, my parents got a divorce which led people to take sides, and that changed the way people looked at me.  It became strange for me- I felt as though people were judging me in the very place I shouldn't have to face any sort of judgement (except from Him) - all because of which parent I was sitting with that Sunday.  People were treating me differently. On the occasion I returned for a Sunday service, I was finding myself having certain feelings about being in the church, but I couldn't decipher their meanings.  It was hard, I could feel the tears well up every time the opening songs would begin.  Was it just being there?  Was it a feeling of closeness to God that I hadn't felt in awhile?  I used to sing a lot with the church youth band, and now I rarely share that gift with anyone- usually just myself, in the car, enclosed on all six sides... Maybe I was missing that act of service and sharing?  Or maybe these were feelings of pain and loss for how things used to be- the one place I thought I would be able to rely on forever was now ruined by "sides" and awkward glances. Friendships drift for many reasons, and I get that... but coincidence that everything fell apart at the same time?  Probably not... but it's hard to be on the broken end and see things from multiple angles.  In my current place in life, I'm not comfortable being in a church.  That is probably why I haven't tried very hard at finding a new one.  It is something I want, but I'm not ready yet... I always see nice ones in my area, and I will give them a shot someday, I'm sure.

I haven't, by any means, forgotten or given up on my relationship with God- I know he's still there.  I don't need a pointy roof over my head to have that relationship with him.  I will forever be grateful for the foundation that my parents and the church laid for me.  Because of that, I have been able to live and make my own choices and decisions- and not all of them have necessarily been "by the Book"- but they have been right for me, and I am proud of them.

I am hopeful that I might find it all again some day.  I know it won't be at the same place- and might not even be in the same form.

I told you there was no resolution to this- no epiphany or happy ending.  I've been battling the words to express how I have felt for a long time.  Perhaps this new sense of responsibility to my future kids and my continual trust in God will lead me to the right place... or maybe not.  I think I'd be fine with either.

Puppy-palooza

I'm not even sure where to start.  Actually, this is the second time I've tried to start...

I was going to go with something about chaos, but I think I will just go with something light hearted

We pup-sat for 3 dogs last weekend.  So that made 4.  4 dogs and 2 humans- we were outnumbered and out of space.  It was pure chaos.  Izzy, Maddie, Wrigley, and Sadie.  Sadie is the oldest, so she didn't do much other than snore.  But little Wrigley- the youngest- had just had his balls chopped off.  Now the thinking behind such a procedure is obviously to prevent unwanted pregnancy and to calm him down. I swear they added and didn't subtract.  This dog has no shame- he was just as crazy (if not crazier) than before! And to add to the craziness, he was wearing a cone.  I have large, circular bruise outlines on the backs of my legs (haha).  We survived and everyone made it out alive- it's a good thing they are all cute and full of love :).  There certainly were hilarious moments and plenty of doggy breath to go around, but there were a few shitty (literally- from my own dog of course) moments too.

At one point, late into the night- or early in the morning, Izzy began to whine and cry and was jumping all over the bed.  I figured she had heard something outside and wanted to go after it... sorry dog, it's Sunday and before 9am.  Not happening.  Luke so kindly shut the bedroom door to lock the dogs out. Well...Sadie is old, as I mentioned before, and she snores A LOT.  She's like the old person that sits in a chair and is out cold in a matter of minutes.  So, Luke and I are laying there, now wide awake, and we hear this soft snoring sound from the other side of the bed.  We forgot one.  We both were laughing, early morning daze accentuated by long days of watching dogs just go, go, go (it can be quite tiring).

None the less, we weren't laughing in the morning.  I woke up to shit... every where.  There was no animal in the night, but an upset stomach which belonged to a pup merely trying to do the right thing- and we ignored her.

So I guess we learned our lesson.  Sadie is here on an extended stay (the rest went home), so I attempted to take both dogs for a walk tonight.  It was very unbalanced, one tugging forward and the other lagging behind.  I couldn't help but laugh and be grossed out by the full poo-bag that happily bounced along, dangling from my hand, hitting my wrist occasionally- at least some'thing' was having a good time.

Anyway, that's been our excitement around here.  Along with full-time employment!! Woohoo!  I'm still trying to figure out how to balance everything, so excuse me while I do.  Once I figure all that out, I will be back (unless something really funny happens before then!).

As always, thanks for reading!

Lackluster

**I never posted this but I should have... must have forgotten amidst the chaos**

Sometime back in May-June....

I know I keep making promises for some cooler posts- and they will come... you have to understand...

Monday.  Wake up at 6:30am. Drive downtown for class.  Play with clay from 8:30-2:30.  Drive home.  Go to class in Farmington at 6pm.  Try to learn until 8pm.  Eat (maybe).  Attempt homework- but usually crash into bed. Tuesday.  Wake up at 6:20am.  Get to work in Farmington by 8am. Work until 4pm. Fly home. Drive downtown for class.  Talk about talking from 5:30-8pm.  Drive home. Attempt home work again. Find food.  Go to bed.

Wednesday and Thursday reflect Monday and Tuesday... Friday is legit- only have to work until noon.

Needless to say there is little room for Luster- The exciting, less dull aspects have been put on the back burner for now.

Well, well, well

I'm Sorry.

I've been gone too long from something I enjoy far too much. I'm hoping that is all about to change. This space is about to become a whole lot more!

I have plans for an exciting series of writings done in an unconventional way and uploaded here for your viewing. More to come on that....

I made a poor choice today. I was walking down Cass Ave, in Detroit into my last day of classes, for my last winter semester EVER. I noticed a wallet on the ground- I didn't pick it up. My thought process went like this (in the worst way):

Me: Oh someone else will pick it up (no shit someone else will pick it up- THIS IS DETROIT!), or maybe the owner will retrace his steps, and plus I don't have time to take it all the way to the police station right now and I don't see any cops around.

Really dumb moment and I'm not proud... In my hands it would have eventually made it to the police station even if it wasn't until later, and now might never be returned to it's owner and create annoyances for the poor soul who lost it- hindsight is 20/20.

My kindness and honesty fell short today. "I don't have enough time", stupid really. You have to make time. Carve out the time to do good for others and to do good things for yourself too.

So, I'm sorry- to you for not writing as often and to the poor man who dropped his wallet in Detroit for not picking it up. My life is changing in a big way, and I'm determined to create things for the good; in my everyday experiences and my creative work.

I don't know who reads this (besides family), but I am grateful that you do. I logged on today and noticed a spike in the ratings- like a big one. So thank you. Truly. I won't be gone so long ever again.

I'm hoping my next post will be the beginning of a series for you!

Toodles and peace ~

Ps- any comments on the new look? I did that around Christmas (with an idea to switch hosts) but now I'm not sure I'm feeling it- give me yo feedback!