Letting Go

I have been struggling lately.  Feeling lots of anger and letting things get to me that normally wouldn't.  Work has been difficult, but from all of it I am learning how to avoid difficulties in the future.  

All this anger is not who I am.  And I realize this... but it has taken some serious intellect and control to not freak the 'eff' out lately.  I was driving home yesterday after a day of being jerked around by various projects/clients and dealing with insurance morons, eager to get to the climbing gym, and I got stuck behind the slowest person on the expressway.  It sort of pushed me over the edge... like so much rage, all I wanted was to cause harm/scream... I know right?  This is totally not who I am!!!  So I told myself this and released all of the tension with a good, quick cry because that seemed way better than trying to break something and then having to clean up the mess.  

I used to think tears were a sign of weakness, but they are a sign of strength.  Tears are cleansing; a healthy release.  It is difficult in what I do to find a balance between being a doormat and standing up for myself.  But I'm tired of letting the petty mistakes of others effect me, because I can't control the way others choose to conduct themselves.  Anyways, I have decided to let it all go and choose to be happy.  I signed up for this, so suck it up buttercup. 

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I have been climbing for almost a year now.  It started as something for me to do on my own and get me out of the house- I was having relationship troubles.  I needed to create my own entertainment, instead of waiting for others or sitting around feeling sorry for myself/lonely.  I decided to try this on a whim because I didn't want to join a regular gym or any kind of sports team... I really hate competitive sports, and going to the gym is awkward.  I called a friend and we gave it a shot.  It began with a lesson to learn about safety and basic techniques... from there you are on your own.  Climbing uses all over body strength and a lot of mental strength as well.  You really have to trust your partner and rely on strength you didn't know you had.  I think that is one of the things I like most about climbing- it's not about who is better or faster, it's about trusting yourself and your partner.  It's not a race to the top.  It requires thought and strategy.  It is the most incredible feeling to walk away feeling powerful and accomplished.  Running high from the adrenaline and release of built up stress.

Once you're at the top, you have to let go.  Letting go is the hardest part.  But there is a huge sense of relief in being lowered down... it means you have accomplished something and can allow those fatigued muscles to rest and recover for the next climb.  

The gym I go to has Auto Belays.  These are basically straps that wind up as you climb to the top and then let you down easy when you are done.  You hook in and you're ready to go.  No partner needed.  They drop you pretty fast for the first couple of feet and then it catches and lets you down slower.  It is scary letting go the first time- feeling like you are free falling.  Even now, I still have to coax myself into letting go, even though I know it will catch me and everything will be fine.  You just have to let go.  

There comes a point in all phases of life -- short or long, that we have to let go and recover in order to make it to the top of the next chapter.  Life really is a series of ups and downs.  The lows can be just as fulfilling as the highs.  It is simply how you approach them and what type of outlook you have. 

So climb on my friends and enjoy the ride down.

As the Water Rose

**The following views and opinions are mine and only mine, and based upon my observations of the recent, unfortunate events.  Written on 8-13-14.

Along with thousands of other residents in the Metro Detroit area, our basement flooded on Monday evening.  Now this has happened to us (personally) in the past- no more than a few inches, but each time even more annoying than the last.  We learned to keep things off the ground a few inches and in plastic bins.  Already having lost a few valuables the first time around we made sure to be careful of what we put in our basement.  This time, it didn't matter.  The water just kept rising.  16 inches deep before it started to recede.  It's a helpless feeling when all you can do is watch as it climbs the steps, inch by inch, hoping it doesn't go much higher.  The things we lost were insignificant compared to what others lost- especially those who had finished basements.  If anything it was the push we needed to throw everything away (there is my silver lining).  Through all of this, I managed to succeed in keeping a light heart.  It wouldn't have done any good to cry or get upset, so I chose to laugh.

See here's the thing about unfortunate events like this... nature is in complete control.  All we can do is wait and clean and try to salvage what we can.  There really is no point in getting angry- yes it's a pain, gross, inconvenient, and costly.  I've heard a lot of people saying (via social media) "we lost everything".  I think there is something to be said here.  Everything is a lot of stuff, and chances are you are saying/typing that from your kitchen table, or living room couch with your roof still over your head... So you may have lost things, but it is likely that you still have more than you lost.  To those who really did lose everything- I'm so sorry you have been given the worst of the worst to deal with.

I don't mean to preach or seem insensitive to the situation; as I was very much affected by these floods.  I have learned that in tough and uncontrollable situations, it is much easier to get through them when you look at the positive and what you still have instead of focusing on the negative.  Because what's done, is done.

With that being said, we gotta stick together and keep our chins up!

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I have been trying to write this blog post for a few days now, I wanted to really reflect.  As you can see I have left my initial thoughts above because I still find them important.  However, the initial shock has worn off for many and I believe that the fog is lifting.  I've been thinking really hard about the recent flooding and how we were affected, along with the many others facing the same situation.  I am trying to find a way to write my views that doesn't seem insensitive.  But here is the way I see it:

We all have so much more than the things we lost.

When I find myself in tough situations, I always think of the "at leasts".  

At Least:

I didn't have a finished basement and my loss wasn't that severe.  What can I do to help those who lost so much more?  How can I help?

I was given the push we had been needing to clean the basement! Thanks, Mother Nature.

We still have two whole floors of solid structure over our heads that are filled with an abundance of amenities.

All we lost were the washer and dryer.  Let the laundromat adventures begin!

We have each other.

***

I know it is hard to lose pictures and special items that were being saved for the future.  But those are just things... The memories lie within.  I have been thinking about how most of those things were sitting in a box, never being looked at- the memories don't come from the things.  Memories are with us and held in the stories told with others and the people whom the pastime was shared.

My memories are better preserved through stories and writing them down, not through things taking up space.

***

And on a lighter note-  There were a few items we needed to save that got wet in the flood.  Mostly sheets and a few shirts.  When I discovered that the washing machine didn't work, I felt a sense of panic and urgency (if only for a moment).  The only time I have ever been to a laundromat was when I was little and with my parents- on vacation.  It was already 7pm so there really was no time to go.  I decided to rinse everything in Izzy's kiddie pool and rewash it later.  So here I am standing in the backyard with the handle from my Swiffer, churning and swishing sheets and shirts in the bright blue pool with happy little sea creatures staring back at me (probably mocking me).  Hosing them off and wringing them out.  I felt like a regular chamber maid, minus the bonnet and apron.  Never a dull moment...

I hope I never come back in another life as a washing machine....

Humans have and are enduring much worse than the flood we experienced this week.  We are all going to come through on top and in much better condition that before.  Stay strong.

Out of My League

Today I contacted a private jet company about getting a copy of their brochure- it was featured by the paper company they used (and one I really love) and I was really drawn to and inspired by it.  So I inquired about getting a copy for my viewing pleasure and to have as inspiration in my collection.

Within the hour of sending them a general message inquiry via their website, I was receiving emails and phone calls inquiring about my interest/need for private jets- Hah! I wish.  I kindly responded to the nice man that I was simply interested in his brochure and had no need for a private jet (or the ability to afford one).  I stated that I was just a designer inspired by their printed brochure.  Ensuring that I had no intention of wasting his time, I asked again to receive a copy.  He kindly replied that he was sending me a packet of various brochures that would hopefully satisfy what I was looking for.  And hey, you never know- I might actually have a need for a private jet someday, and you can bet I will utilize their services…. but I'm not holding my breath.

Needless to say, this really struck a chord with me today.  I have been working really hard at seeking out new opportunities and haven't gotten much response.  But I am pushing forward and continuing to ask for the advice and help of others.  If you never ask, you will never know.  Go big or go home… We are all capable of turning our dreams into reality- no matter how big or how small, and we are never not good enough to ask for what we want and desire.  The worse someone can say is "no", right (and that's pretty much the smallest word ever- next to "i" and "a")?  This was a good reminder to never give up or to think you are insufficient.  People will help you, and good things do happen to those who work hard and are patient.

Just some thoughts, Happy Monday.

A Love Like Ours

This is a paragraph I wrote about a month ago.... For him.

"You are drafting in the office, and I am sitting here dreaming.  Dreaming of our future.  A little boy- your mini-me, running in, asking you to move your car so he and mommy can go draw with chalk.  This house, our love, and a miracle that we created.  I picture us in these very spots we are now, with the sweetest of children, imagination at it’s peak- showing us a whole world we had forgotten too soon.  More love than one can imagine.

I dream of all this with you.  I can’t imagine feeling more love than I do now, but I know... One day we will love someone else, created by us, so much- it will be something we’ve never felt.  And it will be amazing."

Today, April 15, 2014, we celebrate 5 years.  Thats 1,825 days and 43,800 minutes.

Love is hard.  5 years is a long time... He pointed out to me, that unfortunately most marriages don't last 5 years these days...We smiled at each other and kissed.

What we have is real.  Despite our differences and times of hardship, we have always returned to one another because of the love we share.  I know he loves and supports me and wants me to be my best and have the best.  And I want the same for him.

I don't have a ring on my finger yet and thats ok- despite the pressures.  "What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be" (I don't know who said that, so sorry.  But Kudos.) Why worry about what every one else is doing?  This is my life and I am so grateful for what I have right now- here, in the present.  And I am also genuinely happy for those who have the ring, the house, and the kid.  Good for you.  One should always chase their dreams.

I can't imagine spending the last 5 years with anyone else.  The love I feel for this man is so genuine and true.  We've had our ups and downs, but isn't that how it's supposed to be?  You can't run away from the difficulties.  Some say it's easier to stay with the one that is comfortable and familiar.  Especially when the unknown and single-life can be so scary... Well I say that staying with the one you love when times are tough is the true test of easy and courage.  Don't give up because things are rough... Give it all you've got and exhaust all your resources before you make the ultimate decision.

The ultimate decision should be love... regardless.

"In you, I've found the love of my life and my closest, truest friend"

Happy 5 years, to the one that stole my heart and showed me what real love means.

Puddles and Perspective

I wanted to write this yesterday when it was fresh in my mind but cooking dinner in the daylight is way more fun than doing it in the dark...

Took the dog for a run yesterday.  There were puddles everywhere, but the weather was beautiful.  Dodging puddles while trying not to trip over a dog is quite the task- I was starting to feel like one of those parkour athletes.  I wasn't even a block from home and my feet were already soaked and I had nearly slipped in mud...  It was then that I made the decision to stop avoiding the puddles.  We hit Every. Single. One.  It was fun.  My legs were soaked and the water felt so good between my toes.  I was never cold.  The sun was warm and the heat from my own body immediately warmed the water as it splashed all over.  I think I smiled the entire time.  I have been running without music lately- taking in the sights and sounds, and being more aware of myself and what is around me.  Allowing my breaths and the sound of my feet on the pavement to set the pace.

Yesterday was a glimpse of hope.  I observed a woman putting her trash and recycling out to the curb late in the afternoon.  As she was walking back to her house she stretched out her arms and breathed in the warm air and soaked up the sun.  I smiled at her as I ran by.  A stretch after a long, long winter.  I got a sense of love for life from this woman whom I have never seen before.  Remembering to stop and take a minute to savor and enjoy the beautiful day.  There is so much conflict and turmoil in the world today.  So much death and disease and heartache.  It is bringing the best out of people- the desire to live a full life is so much more obvious, more than I've ever noticed before.  It is so apparent in the way people express themselves, people are truly appreciating what they have and who they have.

There is this wonderful attitude that is taking hold.  More people loving one another and accepting/seeing the positive. 

Smile today and say hi to a stranger.  Spread the hope through happiness. (it's that easy)

Peace and love, friends.

The Struggles of Clean Eating

I have been trying really hard to eat clean lately.  And it's killing me.  The craving for a damn potato chip and chocolate is so real I feel like I could die.  It doesn't help that Thursdays at the office are bagel/donut day... shoot me.  So I'm sitting here and I can hear, smell, taste the chocolate frosted donut sitting in the break room- my name is all over it.  But I know I shouldn't... especially since my workout routine is slim to none right now.  Laziness wins every time.

It also doesn't help that I stupidly decided to buy groceries because I had a coupon... so now we have all this stuff that we haven't had in the house for weeks- aka junk food- merely because we "had a coupon".... dumb, dumb, dumb!

This whole saving money/not having any money is quite a struggle too... All I want to do is go shopping- believe it or not!  There are these amazing jeans at Madewell that I am dying to try on... I guess I can only hope they don't fit me right (fingers crossed)...

So while I lust over beautiful threads and decadent chocolate... Join me in drooling over this donut.....😉

They say misery loves company... 

A Not So Harsh Reality and a Strange Place

My student loans are slightly outrageous.  Like unfathomable amounts of money.  That I have to pay back... When I look at the number I owe, I feel nothing.  It sits there looking back at me with all of it's round, perfect zeros saying "you'll be paying me your whole fricken life... sucker".  Still, I feel nothing towards this large number... I can imagine it would freak some people out, cause heart palpitations or worse.  It is a part of my reality that I am not going to let make or break me.  Sure it means always having some kind of job- making it difficult to be spontaneous and live adventurously.  In a way, I guess I feel like I have sold my soul to the devil- always paying and working for The Man- but I feel a strange sense of peace with the shitty reality that is now all my own.  It is what it is right? So why waste what precious available time I have worrying about it?  The money comes in, and the money goes out... Just like that.  If it comes and goes so fast, and if there is enough to cover what needs to be paid- then why are we so attached?  I have a small little savings- enough to fix a car problem or two.  What more do I need?  I have the bills and the basics (food, gas, medicines) covered, so really the only thing left to have money for would be fun stuff... well there is plenty of fun to be had without spending money.  My high school best friend and I used to have a list of "free fun".  An inventory of things that we could do when we had no cents to rub together.  Living life does not equal having lots of money to participate in lavish events and purchases.  There are plenty of experiences to be had without having to spend money.  And so what if it takes me several months to save enough (based on what is left over each month) to purchase a new pair of pants?  Those pants will be hard earned and I will have learned a valuable lesson in instant gratification- heck, I might even feel like i'm ten again and had to save months and months (sometimes even years) of those $2/week allowances to get that coveted something.  

So I guess the point here is that I'm not scared.  I'm not scared of the debt, or lack of money.  Money doesn't make life.  Life is made based on the experiences and the outlook we choose to have. I am excited to live in a simple way... see where it takes me.  I only hope my life get's simpler the older I get.  Less stuff- we think we need all this stuff, but we don't.

Something that does freak me out a little is this whole 'work everyday of my life for the rest of my life' thing....

I feel like I'm in a strange place right now.  With life... I am at this weird intersection of being an adult.  My sweet, loving grandmother brought it to my attention yesterday that I spent all of my college years working and going to school, just to get to this point of going to work... everyday, for the rest of my life.  And I know that it is the reality I face, don't get me wrong... But it really hit me as I was driving to work today.  The same drive I have been driving for nearly a year now.  Wake up, drive to work, work, drive home, go to bed.  Repeat.  5 days out of the week.  Am I happy?  Well yes, because I choose to be.  Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?  Probably not.  

It is strange going to bed a student and waking up a working adult- happens so fast.  The switch of reality- no time to adjust.  I miss school and learning and having that to break up life.  Always learning something new is exciting.  Different perspectives and ideas always surrounding you.  And the interaction with other students, people from all walks of life- I miss that more than anything.  Here I am, now sitting in the same chair, day after day, doing the mundane- seriously lacking excitement here.  I'm struggling to find experiences that will teach me new and exciting things- like I had while in school. 

I've picked up a book, called Creative Confidence.  It's for anyone, not just the "creative, artsy" type.  It's about learning to be creative in everything you do.  Even if you don't have the typical creative job.  It's cool, because you know what?  We are all creative- we were born with an inherent ability to think and act creatively.  I am hoping this book rekindles my creative spark and helps me to see things differently.  This mundane day to day life has really killed my inspiration and creativity.  Even though I work as a graphic designer, there isn't much room for creativity- I'm feeling burnt out. Hah, I've only been working for about  a year and I'm already feeling burnt out- NOT GOOD.  It is a lifeless feeling for me to not feel inspired or motivated to create things.

While I know that I want to be a designer for the rest of my life, I feel like I am still finding myself and figuring out my path in life... It's kind of like, ok got the career part figured out, so now what?  And not knowing is just as scary as not having a clue as to what career you want to have.  But I guess that is apart of life- You don't always have it all figured out right from the start!  I better start embracing the adventure!