Small Thoughts 5: A Neat Dining Experience

Luke and I went out to eat last night.  We went to Griffin Claw Brewing Company in Birmingham.  I have been wanting to check it out for awhile and it was great!

The tap room has communal seating, which they let you know before you even walk in the door.  So where ever you sit there is a chance that you will be sitting with strangers or that someone will join you.

Well, you know how this usually goes.  Everyone sits so they don't have to talk to anyone other than the person/people they came with (that is if they aren't on their phone the entire time).

We chose to sit in the front corner at a fairly large round table- certainly able to hold more than two people.  We watched the snow fall outside and enjoyed our beers and food.  As we were finishing, the hostess came over and asked if we minded if a couple joined us.  Of course we said they were welcome - that's the whole point of this restaurant anyways, besides the beer.  What was already a great night turned even better as we introduced ourselves to complete strangers and engaged in great conversation.  More of their friends showed up filling the table.  We only had a few sips of beer left, so we finished up and left them to their night out and passed on the table.

As we left, Luke thanked the hostess for having the communal seating.  She thanked him for being a good sport about it.  I laughed... They must have a problem with people being able to sit with strangers and enjoy a meal (way to go America).  It was great to enjoy our time together and also be able to chat with new people.

We will definitely be going back and recommending that others visit with an open mind!

A Hard Life Lesson

I know it's early, but it's here.  The snow has been really beautiful the last few days.  Large fluffy flakes slowly falling from the sky.  I love the first snow fall, it's so romantic.  And the silence that the snow brings is so relaxing.  I got home last night as the snow was coming down hard, after having a lousy day I rustled my crew and we went on a long walk to enjoy the beauty and take in some fresh air.  

I think one of the hardest lessons to learn in life is that we can't change people.  So many times we feel the need to address a situation by telling people how they are- or telling them how they made you feel, or that their behavior makes them look bad (hoping by telling them that they will change for the better).  Truth is- No one can make you feel any way and people aren't going to change unless they choose to.  This one is hard for me, especially when I notice negative things that don't truly reflect who I think a person is.  Wouldn't you want me to tell you if you were acting or saying things that didn't make you look good?  Well, I hate to say it, all too often you end up telling someone until you are blue in the face, and it just doesn't matter.  You can't change anyone.  The only thing you can control is the way you respond and conduct yourself.  It's hard, really hard.  Especially when you believe that your intentions to help are good by saying something.

I've always been a fixer, wanting to help people be better versions of themselves because I know it's there... under the surface of the hurt, or sadness, or aggressiveness.  But I'm learning that it's not for me to fix.  If someone wants to act a certain way, that is their choice.  I need to be focusing all of my energies on how to effectively handle and react on my end.  I am the only one I can control.  And it's so much easier to make my decisions based on me and not based around how other's choose to behave.

I saw this yesterday.  Franki Elliot is a writer/poet that travels with her typewriter and writes poems for people on the spot, based on a word or phrase they give her.  She is amazing.  (And this is just credit where credit is due... nothing official - I just really like what she has to say)

And so I did just that.

Enjoy the snow.

Small Thoughts 4: To Know Your Worth

Knowing your worth is one thing, but being told you are actually worth that is a total game changer. (And I'm not just talking money worth)

Whatever your job is - teacher, artist, mother, CEO - You want to know you are valued and appreciated.  It can be really difficult to do the work you love with passion if you are feeling the opposite.  For me, I feel the need to stray.  To look for new opportunities where I will matter and find satisfaction.  When we start to feel unhappy we look for the place/things that will change that.

To know that others value you as much as you know you are worth, is a great feeling.

I hope you know you matter.

Making Excuses

Awhile back I convinced myself that I no longer liked running. I have run on and off my entire life.  Never been much for competitive running or races, just running for myself.  Always seemed like the easiest way for me to stay in shape.

But I had decided I didn't like running anymore.  That it was boring, too much work to get ready.  Oh, and the dog… I take her because otherwise I feel guilty- but she is a royal pain in the ass when she is on a leash (and we are trying, so very hard to break her… but its not working).  It's much easier to not go for a run.

All really, really good excuses why not to run.

But honestly, it only takes 5 minutes to get ready, and the dog is stuck in the house all day, so she needs some fun too (even if she is an idiot).  And yes, it is boring - even with music, because I choose to take the same route over and over again…

I need to change it up.  Being outside is really a lot better than staring at a wall and running on a treadmill (and paying gobs of money for a gym membership), or sitting on the couch staring at the tv.

I chose to suck it up and go for a run yesterday.  It was short, but I did it.  I made the effort to take time for myself before I went back to working for the evening.  And I didn't feel bad about it.  I am my own boss and it's ok to take time for myself before I do anything for anyone else.  Because what good am I to others if I'm no good to myself? 

I wrote this about a week ago and I haven't gone for a run since :) Maybe I'll go today 

Small Thoughts: 3

My little brother taught me something recently (I don't think he even realized it).  There is a level of love and acceptance that is coming from people his age that should be noted.

We often try to one-up each others experiences, or tell others that what they have done/experienced is "nothing compared to...".  Why do we do this?

I often find myself observing and listening to conversations, rather than participating.  A young man had mentioned his experience with sailing and how he had only been a few times- nothing major.  But he said he really enjoyed it and couldn't wait to go more.  The older, saltier adults of the group proceeded to tell this young man that what he had done so far was nothing - that his sailing experiences couldn't compare.  Out of all the people sitting there - cruisers, racers - my brother probably had the most experience.  But regardless, I watched as he embraced this young mans exposure to sailing.  Not trying to diminish his story, but told him to keep going and experiencing it.  

My brother taught me that it's not about how much you've done something, or where you've done something.  It's that you're out there doing it and experiencing new things.  Seeing the light from a different angle and embracing each others stories from where they are at and where they've started could be a game changer for the way we treat each other.

Be encouraging, not discouraging.

Small Thoughts: 2

I'm sitting here in my car writing this… yes, my wifi reaches to the driveway!  I didn't want to let these thoughts get away from me.

I'm sure we've all had close calls.  Quick moments that we wish wouldn't have happened, even though, thankfully nothing really did happen.  But it almost did and it would have been really, really bad.  I get mad at myself that something could have happened, the what-ifs (especially if it would have been my fault).  I always have to remind myself to let it go.  It's ok, we're ok.

Someone was watching out for me…

It can be hard not to get upset or mad when there is almost an accident, the adrenaline gets pumping and you start to think of all the awful repercussions.  But you have to stop, tell yourself none of that is going to happen because everything is fine.

Move on.  Let it go.

Falling...

I love fall.  There are so many beautiful changes -- color, temperature, new school year for the kiddos, bon fires, and pumpkin flavored everything.  I've always loved fall, going from shorts to warm sweaters and boots, the desire to bake and cook savory, comforting foods.

For the last month I have been going so hard that I've been missing out on the little things.  I've been rushing through life, instead of taking the time to slow down and notice.

A couple weeks ago I was very busy and feeling really stressed from having to constantly working so I didn't fall behind.  It was a Thursday evening and I had worked until 4 at my day job, took an hour to myself to go climb with a friend (which relieved no stress at all), flew home to continue working until 8pm.  I then cleaned the house so that it wasn't left a mess for the weekend, and when I was finally able to try and stop for the night I realized the dog hadn't been walked -- or rather I was reminded by my darling partner that the dog hadn't been walked (to his defense he had just walked in the door as well)… I threw on some shoes, and walked the dog… walking fast and pissed (because I really just wanted to sit my ass on the couch)… so fast I got a blister.  I realized as I rounded the corner towards my house, that I had spent the entire walk feeling mad and hurried.  When I could have been enjoying the darkness of the night and feeling the cool air on my face.  I could have used the time to unwind and relax- take a leisurely stroll around the neighborhood and spend time in silence.  But instead I rushed though it, when really I had nothing that important to get home to.  I was so wrapped up in all the stress that had started to consume my life that I forgot to slow down.

Things have since gotten better, the stress is lessening.  I woke up this morning wanting to stay home.  Spend my day sewing, cooking, and catching up on all the projects I have put off for way too long.  I woke up telling myself, "oh you don't feel good, you should stay home".  But then I heard my parents, "suck it up, it's all in your head.  You're fine".  And really, I was fine- I was just looking for a good excuse to stay home.  Because taking a personal day to "just have time to myself" doesn't seem like that good of a reason in my book.  So I went to work.

It's hard to stop and take time for myself, to do the things I want to do.  There are so many other things that seem to take priority (and I don't even have kids!).  Work, housekeeping, making sure others are happy.  I can't take care of all of those things though if I can't make time to take care of myself…

I need an extra day… one more day in the weekend, just for me.

Goodnight, Dreamer

Spent one last weekend in Northern Michigan for the end of our sailing season.  We made the annual trek back to North Port to have the boat hauled out and stored for the winter.

I look forward to it at the end of each season.  All four of us together.  Lots of work to be done, but we all get to be together and enjoy each others good company.

It's always cold when we sail across the bay this time of year.  This time the waves were 2-4 feet and the wind was blowing at 20 knots the whole way.  We ran a straight shot from Elk Rapids, on a broad reach.  Double reefed the main and flew the Solent sail (which is the most amazing sail in the world- wrap me in it when I die) for a smooth ride.  

We made it to North Port in record time.  Strolled up to our favorite restaurant for dinner and drinks once we arrived... oh, but only after we drove a million miles for a new heater.

We walked up to Lelu's (if you haven't been there you should go- it is well worth the drive up the peninsula) and were welcomed like family.  We spent the night eating, drinking, and sharing stories with old and new friends.

One of the topics of discussion was why people always come back to Northern Michigan, or why people are drawn there.  Several discussed the pull of the 45th parallel.  Others remarked on the atmosphere and different mindsets.  For me, traveling the 4 hours north seems to satisfy the wanderlust.  There is no other place on earth (in my opinion) that offers what Northern Michigan does.  Unbelievably blue fresh water, incredible landscapes, boating, camping; there really is something for every season and everyone.  The way the leaves change in the fall, and how the gray sky reflects on the water.  There is nothing like it.

I'll always go back.

Until next year, rest easy Dreamer.

Wanderlust

I always have the right words in the moment for a great blog post.  By the time I have time to sit down and actually write it, it doesn't sound so great anymore.

I spent this past weekend with my dad, up north for one final weekend on the boat.  This weekend we have to pull it out for the winter.  We spent our time together talking about what we want to do and our dreams, and who we want to experience those dreams with.  It was good, healthy conversation that lead to immense amounts of wanderlust.  We both have the desire to take to the sea and just go.  But we both have things holding us here.  Mine?  School debt- I asked him if he thought being "forced" to live on a boat at sea would be a valid reason for debt forgiveness, as I would have no stable income.  If I told them it was really my only option… he laughed, but I was dead serious.

To leave this life and live a life of adventure sounds pretty good right now.  Go off the grid, figure out a way to be untraceable.  Sounds nice right?  The boat is named Dreamer for a reason.

Saturday, we spent most of the day on the water.  We only had wind for about an hour, so we mainly floated around.  It was hot, summer had finally showed up.  We chatted and schemed and told each other to stop convincing one another that just taking off and forgetting everything was such a good idea… even though it is.  We used the auto-pilot for a majority of the time, which left us both free to roam about the deck.

He was at the bow, and I at the stern.  Both lost in thought.  I'm pretty sure I was thinking of this post, composed of beautiful thoughts and words.  Loosing myself in the depth of the water, unable to see the bottom.

Perhaps we're never supposed to see the bottom.  It isn't up to us to determine what will be.  There is a bigger picture, determined by a bigger power.  These things in life, including the things I feel are holding me back, are happening for a reason.  This is my sequence and what will be, will be.

The waves were soft and the clouds wispy and light.  It was a perfect day to dream.

The dreams are what keep us afloat.

Small Thoughts: 1

This morning I woke up feeling so grateful. A nice change from the stress and negative feelings I've been overcome by lately.

What are you feeling grateful for today?

A Little Kindness Goes A Long Way

Growing up, my mother always said to kill with kindness.  This is no easy task.  Sometimes it is so much easier to be grumpy and angry.  

When someone treats you poorly or a situation doesn't go as planned, it can be so easy to reciprocate with the same attitude or tone.  But is it really worth the energy and stress of getting mad?  Kill them with kindness instead.  Think of what this could do to our interactions with those we know and love.  Even bigger, our interactions with strangers.  We live in such a fearful and negative society.  I truly believe that the world can change if we change the way we interact with and treat people, regardless of the situation.  We need to show more compassion and care for each other, because nobody truly knows another persons current situation. 

I think about this all the time when I am in the car.  How do you think auto accidents happen?  People are so wrapped up in themselves and where they need to be that they forget there are other people around them, or get mad when someone is in their way.  This applies to situations a lot bigger than just driving...we go through life focusing on annoyances and being self-absorbed, instead of being understanding. We have to start viewing situations differently. 

I used to think that "forcing" yourself to be kind and happy towards people when you really didn't feel like it was fake and insincere. That's not what it's about though... Sure we all have bad days, but in order to turn those bad days around we have to choose to find the good and be happy.  Choosing to be happy and kind towards others is a lot more rewarding, and before you know it you'll find yourself happy all the time, and the kindness will spread.  Think of how our worlds would change if we stopped approaching "inconvenient" situations with anger, and started dealing with them with a caring and compassionate attitude...

Happiness and kindness really are easier. 

I can only hope that this doesn't sound preachy. That it will reach at least one person and help to change their perspective. 

****

I often find myself wanting to write here but don't feel that what I have to say will provide a lengthy enough post.  

I am going to start a series of "Small Thoughts".  These posts will consist of insights, ideas, or thought provoking questions by me... I usually think of these things in the shower or on my morning/evening commute--the most inconvenient times to write something down, of course.  Please feel free to leave your comments and opinions on the matters.  Who knows- it might inspire a longer post!

Letting Go

I have been struggling lately.  Feeling lots of anger and letting things get to me that normally wouldn't.  Work has been difficult, but from all of it I am learning how to avoid difficulties in the future.  

All this anger is not who I am.  And I realize this... but it has taken some serious intellect and control to not freak the 'eff' out lately.  I was driving home yesterday after a day of being jerked around by various projects/clients and dealing with insurance morons, eager to get to the climbing gym, and I got stuck behind the slowest person on the expressway.  It sort of pushed me over the edge... like so much rage, all I wanted was to cause harm/scream... I know right?  This is totally not who I am!!!  So I told myself this and released all of the tension with a good, quick cry because that seemed way better than trying to break something and then having to clean up the mess.  

I used to think tears were a sign of weakness, but they are a sign of strength.  Tears are cleansing; a healthy release.  It is difficult in what I do to find a balance between being a doormat and standing up for myself.  But I'm tired of letting the petty mistakes of others effect me, because I can't control the way others choose to conduct themselves.  Anyways, I have decided to let it all go and choose to be happy.  I signed up for this, so suck it up buttercup. 

---

I have been climbing for almost a year now.  It started as something for me to do on my own and get me out of the house- I was having relationship troubles.  I needed to create my own entertainment, instead of waiting for others or sitting around feeling sorry for myself/lonely.  I decided to try this on a whim because I didn't want to join a regular gym or any kind of sports team... I really hate competitive sports, and going to the gym is awkward.  I called a friend and we gave it a shot.  It began with a lesson to learn about safety and basic techniques... from there you are on your own.  Climbing uses all over body strength and a lot of mental strength as well.  You really have to trust your partner and rely on strength you didn't know you had.  I think that is one of the things I like most about climbing- it's not about who is better or faster, it's about trusting yourself and your partner.  It's not a race to the top.  It requires thought and strategy.  It is the most incredible feeling to walk away feeling powerful and accomplished.  Running high from the adrenaline and release of built up stress.

Once you're at the top, you have to let go.  Letting go is the hardest part.  But there is a huge sense of relief in being lowered down... it means you have accomplished something and can allow those fatigued muscles to rest and recover for the next climb.  

The gym I go to has Auto Belays.  These are basically straps that wind up as you climb to the top and then let you down easy when you are done.  You hook in and you're ready to go.  No partner needed.  They drop you pretty fast for the first couple of feet and then it catches and lets you down slower.  It is scary letting go the first time- feeling like you are free falling.  Even now, I still have to coax myself into letting go, even though I know it will catch me and everything will be fine.  You just have to let go.  

There comes a point in all phases of life -- short or long, that we have to let go and recover in order to make it to the top of the next chapter.  Life really is a series of ups and downs.  The lows can be just as fulfilling as the highs.  It is simply how you approach them and what type of outlook you have. 

So climb on my friends and enjoy the ride down.

As the Water Rose

**The following views and opinions are mine and only mine, and based upon my observations of the recent, unfortunate events.  Written on 8-13-14.

Along with thousands of other residents in the Metro Detroit area, our basement flooded on Monday evening.  Now this has happened to us (personally) in the past- no more than a few inches, but each time even more annoying than the last.  We learned to keep things off the ground a few inches and in plastic bins.  Already having lost a few valuables the first time around we made sure to be careful of what we put in our basement.  This time, it didn't matter.  The water just kept rising.  16 inches deep before it started to recede.  It's a helpless feeling when all you can do is watch as it climbs the steps, inch by inch, hoping it doesn't go much higher.  The things we lost were insignificant compared to what others lost- especially those who had finished basements.  If anything it was the push we needed to throw everything away (there is my silver lining).  Through all of this, I managed to succeed in keeping a light heart.  It wouldn't have done any good to cry or get upset, so I chose to laugh.

See here's the thing about unfortunate events like this... nature is in complete control.  All we can do is wait and clean and try to salvage what we can.  There really is no point in getting angry- yes it's a pain, gross, inconvenient, and costly.  I've heard a lot of people saying (via social media) "we lost everything".  I think there is something to be said here.  Everything is a lot of stuff, and chances are you are saying/typing that from your kitchen table, or living room couch with your roof still over your head... So you may have lost things, but it is likely that you still have more than you lost.  To those who really did lose everything- I'm so sorry you have been given the worst of the worst to deal with.

I don't mean to preach or seem insensitive to the situation; as I was very much affected by these floods.  I have learned that in tough and uncontrollable situations, it is much easier to get through them when you look at the positive and what you still have instead of focusing on the negative.  Because what's done, is done.

With that being said, we gotta stick together and keep our chins up!

------------------

I have been trying to write this blog post for a few days now, I wanted to really reflect.  As you can see I have left my initial thoughts above because I still find them important.  However, the initial shock has worn off for many and I believe that the fog is lifting.  I've been thinking really hard about the recent flooding and how we were affected, along with the many others facing the same situation.  I am trying to find a way to write my views that doesn't seem insensitive.  But here is the way I see it:

We all have so much more than the things we lost.

When I find myself in tough situations, I always think of the "at leasts".  

At Least:

I didn't have a finished basement and my loss wasn't that severe.  What can I do to help those who lost so much more?  How can I help?

I was given the push we had been needing to clean the basement! Thanks, Mother Nature.

We still have two whole floors of solid structure over our heads that are filled with an abundance of amenities.

All we lost were the washer and dryer.  Let the laundromat adventures begin!

We have each other.

***

I know it is hard to lose pictures and special items that were being saved for the future.  But those are just things... The memories lie within.  I have been thinking about how most of those things were sitting in a box, never being looked at- the memories don't come from the things.  Memories are with us and held in the stories told with others and the people whom the pastime was shared.

My memories are better preserved through stories and writing them down, not through things taking up space.

***

And on a lighter note-  There were a few items we needed to save that got wet in the flood.  Mostly sheets and a few shirts.  When I discovered that the washing machine didn't work, I felt a sense of panic and urgency (if only for a moment).  The only time I have ever been to a laundromat was when I was little and with my parents- on vacation.  It was already 7pm so there really was no time to go.  I decided to rinse everything in Izzy's kiddie pool and rewash it later.  So here I am standing in the backyard with the handle from my Swiffer, churning and swishing sheets and shirts in the bright blue pool with happy little sea creatures staring back at me (probably mocking me).  Hosing them off and wringing them out.  I felt like a regular chamber maid, minus the bonnet and apron.  Never a dull moment...

I hope I never come back in another life as a washing machine....

Humans have and are enduring much worse than the flood we experienced this week.  We are all going to come through on top and in much better condition that before.  Stay strong.

Out of My League

Today I contacted a private jet company about getting a copy of their brochure- it was featured by the paper company they used (and one I really love) and I was really drawn to and inspired by it.  So I inquired about getting a copy for my viewing pleasure and to have as inspiration in my collection.

Within the hour of sending them a general message inquiry via their website, I was receiving emails and phone calls inquiring about my interest/need for private jets- Hah! I wish.  I kindly responded to the nice man that I was simply interested in his brochure and had no need for a private jet (or the ability to afford one).  I stated that I was just a designer inspired by their printed brochure.  Ensuring that I had no intention of wasting his time, I asked again to receive a copy.  He kindly replied that he was sending me a packet of various brochures that would hopefully satisfy what I was looking for.  And hey, you never know- I might actually have a need for a private jet someday, and you can bet I will utilize their services…. but I'm not holding my breath.

Needless to say, this really struck a chord with me today.  I have been working really hard at seeking out new opportunities and haven't gotten much response.  But I am pushing forward and continuing to ask for the advice and help of others.  If you never ask, you will never know.  Go big or go home… We are all capable of turning our dreams into reality- no matter how big or how small, and we are never not good enough to ask for what we want and desire.  The worse someone can say is "no", right (and that's pretty much the smallest word ever- next to "i" and "a")?  This was a good reminder to never give up or to think you are insufficient.  People will help you, and good things do happen to those who work hard and are patient.

Just some thoughts, Happy Monday.

A Love Like Ours

This is a paragraph I wrote about a month ago.... For him.

"You are drafting in the office, and I am sitting here dreaming.  Dreaming of our future.  A little boy- your mini-me, running in, asking you to move your car so he and mommy can go draw with chalk.  This house, our love, and a miracle that we created.  I picture us in these very spots we are now, with the sweetest of children, imagination at it’s peak- showing us a whole world we had forgotten too soon.  More love than one can imagine.

I dream of all this with you.  I can’t imagine feeling more love than I do now, but I know... One day we will love someone else, created by us, so much- it will be something we’ve never felt.  And it will be amazing."

Today, April 15, 2014, we celebrate 5 years.  Thats 1,825 days and 43,800 minutes.

Love is hard.  5 years is a long time... He pointed out to me, that unfortunately most marriages don't last 5 years these days...We smiled at each other and kissed.

What we have is real.  Despite our differences and times of hardship, we have always returned to one another because of the love we share.  I know he loves and supports me and wants me to be my best and have the best.  And I want the same for him.

I don't have a ring on my finger yet and thats ok- despite the pressures.  "What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be" (I don't know who said that, so sorry.  But Kudos.) Why worry about what every one else is doing?  This is my life and I am so grateful for what I have right now- here, in the present.  And I am also genuinely happy for those who have the ring, the house, and the kid.  Good for you.  One should always chase their dreams.

I can't imagine spending the last 5 years with anyone else.  The love I feel for this man is so genuine and true.  We've had our ups and downs, but isn't that how it's supposed to be?  You can't run away from the difficulties.  Some say it's easier to stay with the one that is comfortable and familiar.  Especially when the unknown and single-life can be so scary... Well I say that staying with the one you love when times are tough is the true test of easy and courage.  Don't give up because things are rough... Give it all you've got and exhaust all your resources before you make the ultimate decision.

The ultimate decision should be love... regardless.

"In you, I've found the love of my life and my closest, truest friend"

Happy 5 years, to the one that stole my heart and showed me what real love means.

Puddles and Perspective

I wanted to write this yesterday when it was fresh in my mind but cooking dinner in the daylight is way more fun than doing it in the dark...

Took the dog for a run yesterday.  There were puddles everywhere, but the weather was beautiful.  Dodging puddles while trying not to trip over a dog is quite the task- I was starting to feel like one of those parkour athletes.  I wasn't even a block from home and my feet were already soaked and I had nearly slipped in mud...  It was then that I made the decision to stop avoiding the puddles.  We hit Every. Single. One.  It was fun.  My legs were soaked and the water felt so good between my toes.  I was never cold.  The sun was warm and the heat from my own body immediately warmed the water as it splashed all over.  I think I smiled the entire time.  I have been running without music lately- taking in the sights and sounds, and being more aware of myself and what is around me.  Allowing my breaths and the sound of my feet on the pavement to set the pace.

Yesterday was a glimpse of hope.  I observed a woman putting her trash and recycling out to the curb late in the afternoon.  As she was walking back to her house she stretched out her arms and breathed in the warm air and soaked up the sun.  I smiled at her as I ran by.  A stretch after a long, long winter.  I got a sense of love for life from this woman whom I have never seen before.  Remembering to stop and take a minute to savor and enjoy the beautiful day.  There is so much conflict and turmoil in the world today.  So much death and disease and heartache.  It is bringing the best out of people- the desire to live a full life is so much more obvious, more than I've ever noticed before.  It is so apparent in the way people express themselves, people are truly appreciating what they have and who they have.

There is this wonderful attitude that is taking hold.  More people loving one another and accepting/seeing the positive. 

Smile today and say hi to a stranger.  Spread the hope through happiness. (it's that easy)

Peace and love, friends.

The Struggles of Clean Eating

I have been trying really hard to eat clean lately.  And it's killing me.  The craving for a damn potato chip and chocolate is so real I feel like I could die.  It doesn't help that Thursdays at the office are bagel/donut day... shoot me.  So I'm sitting here and I can hear, smell, taste the chocolate frosted donut sitting in the break room- my name is all over it.  But I know I shouldn't... especially since my workout routine is slim to none right now.  Laziness wins every time.

It also doesn't help that I stupidly decided to buy groceries because I had a coupon... so now we have all this stuff that we haven't had in the house for weeks- aka junk food- merely because we "had a coupon".... dumb, dumb, dumb!

This whole saving money/not having any money is quite a struggle too... All I want to do is go shopping- believe it or not!  There are these amazing jeans at Madewell that I am dying to try on... I guess I can only hope they don't fit me right (fingers crossed)...

So while I lust over beautiful threads and decadent chocolate... Join me in drooling over this donut.....😉

They say misery loves company... 

A Not So Harsh Reality and a Strange Place

My student loans are slightly outrageous.  Like unfathomable amounts of money.  That I have to pay back... When I look at the number I owe, I feel nothing.  It sits there looking back at me with all of it's round, perfect zeros saying "you'll be paying me your whole fricken life... sucker".  Still, I feel nothing towards this large number... I can imagine it would freak some people out, cause heart palpitations or worse.  It is a part of my reality that I am not going to let make or break me.  Sure it means always having some kind of job- making it difficult to be spontaneous and live adventurously.  In a way, I guess I feel like I have sold my soul to the devil- always paying and working for The Man- but I feel a strange sense of peace with the shitty reality that is now all my own.  It is what it is right? So why waste what precious available time I have worrying about it?  The money comes in, and the money goes out... Just like that.  If it comes and goes so fast, and if there is enough to cover what needs to be paid- then why are we so attached?  I have a small little savings- enough to fix a car problem or two.  What more do I need?  I have the bills and the basics (food, gas, medicines) covered, so really the only thing left to have money for would be fun stuff... well there is plenty of fun to be had without spending money.  My high school best friend and I used to have a list of "free fun".  An inventory of things that we could do when we had no cents to rub together.  Living life does not equal having lots of money to participate in lavish events and purchases.  There are plenty of experiences to be had without having to spend money.  And so what if it takes me several months to save enough (based on what is left over each month) to purchase a new pair of pants?  Those pants will be hard earned and I will have learned a valuable lesson in instant gratification- heck, I might even feel like i'm ten again and had to save months and months (sometimes even years) of those $2/week allowances to get that coveted something.  

So I guess the point here is that I'm not scared.  I'm not scared of the debt, or lack of money.  Money doesn't make life.  Life is made based on the experiences and the outlook we choose to have. I am excited to live in a simple way... see where it takes me.  I only hope my life get's simpler the older I get.  Less stuff- we think we need all this stuff, but we don't.

Something that does freak me out a little is this whole 'work everyday of my life for the rest of my life' thing....

I feel like I'm in a strange place right now.  With life... I am at this weird intersection of being an adult.  My sweet, loving grandmother brought it to my attention yesterday that I spent all of my college years working and going to school, just to get to this point of going to work... everyday, for the rest of my life.  And I know that it is the reality I face, don't get me wrong... But it really hit me as I was driving to work today.  The same drive I have been driving for nearly a year now.  Wake up, drive to work, work, drive home, go to bed.  Repeat.  5 days out of the week.  Am I happy?  Well yes, because I choose to be.  Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?  Probably not.  

It is strange going to bed a student and waking up a working adult- happens so fast.  The switch of reality- no time to adjust.  I miss school and learning and having that to break up life.  Always learning something new is exciting.  Different perspectives and ideas always surrounding you.  And the interaction with other students, people from all walks of life- I miss that more than anything.  Here I am, now sitting in the same chair, day after day, doing the mundane- seriously lacking excitement here.  I'm struggling to find experiences that will teach me new and exciting things- like I had while in school. 

I've picked up a book, called Creative Confidence.  It's for anyone, not just the "creative, artsy" type.  It's about learning to be creative in everything you do.  Even if you don't have the typical creative job.  It's cool, because you know what?  We are all creative- we were born with an inherent ability to think and act creatively.  I am hoping this book rekindles my creative spark and helps me to see things differently.  This mundane day to day life has really killed my inspiration and creativity.  Even though I work as a graphic designer, there isn't much room for creativity- I'm feeling burnt out. Hah, I've only been working for about  a year and I'm already feeling burnt out- NOT GOOD.  It is a lifeless feeling for me to not feel inspired or motivated to create things.

While I know that I want to be a designer for the rest of my life, I feel like I am still finding myself and figuring out my path in life... It's kind of like, ok got the career part figured out, so now what?  And not knowing is just as scary as not having a clue as to what career you want to have.  But I guess that is apart of life- You don't always have it all figured out right from the start!  I better start embracing the adventure!

A New Year

I love December 31st.  It is exciting to think about the new year and the new beginnings.  Doing things for the last time "this year" and anticipating all of the new experiences in the coming 365 days.  New Years Eve and Day are probably my favorite holidays for that reason.  I always find myself dreaming of lavish parties and being with friends and the kiss at midnight.  The last few years on New Years Eve have not been all that exciting unfortunately.  I had thought of making plans this year and decided to just let it be and see what happens.  Let me tell you, it was the most romantic and perfect New Years Eve I have ever had.  We stayed in, just the two of us, listened to music and just talked and enjoyed each others company.  It was so fun.  No TV, just us, and the pup.  We talked about the future and the things we want in life.  It was so beautiful, more than I could have hoped for.  We watched the ball drop, kissed, and pretty much fell into champagne comas.

2013 was a pretty great year when I stop and reflect.  I finally graduated with my BFA and landed a pretty incredible job.  It isn't something I ever saw myself doing, but there is so much opportunity and I am so thankful everyday.  There were rough points in 2013 as well, but that's what makes life interesting- that is how you grow.  I realized a lot about love in 2013.  Love isn't about receiving or what the other person can do for you.  Love is to be given- but only once you love yourself first.  I realized that I loved someone so much that I would do anything for them, even after thinking that I needed to move on.  Relationships are hard, they aren't always pretty and perfect- shit gets real eventually and the honeymoon is over.  But it is so worth it when you get the feeling and know the feeling is real that this person is The One.

So, I'm sitting here having a work at home/snow day, thinking about all the things I want to do with my life.  All the things I want to experience and try.  The art studio I hope to have someday.  Filled with every imaginable tool and supplies to create what ever I feel inspired to make.  I love finding people who are already doing this and seeing them living their dream.  Creating with their own hands goods that are so heavily manufactured today.  It is such a beautiful thing to be able to create and live from those creations.

I don't have a resolution this year- not a set one anyway.  2014 is not going to be about "things" or looking better, or how much money I can make.  I already have more than I could ever need, I could probably use to simplify even more.  I plan to make time for the things I love to do and the people I love to be with.  It's all about the time together and the experiences had this year.  Can you imagine life if no one worried about what they had or didn't have?  If no one worried about money or allowed conflict to control their thoughts and emotions?  Peace would be everywhere.  This year I am going to live with what I have and make do.  No more wanting and wishing for things that I think will make my life better.  I have everything I need, within me and around me- I really do.

My dad threw a question my way the other day as we were hanging up the phone -- What if this is Heaven?  My answer was- Then this is as good as it gets and we all better start enjoying it!

Peace Friends, and Happy New Year!